5. If you were to choose a metaphor for where/how you see yourself with respect to your personal and professional development, how would you describe it; what metaphor would you choose and why?
I am on a bridge, which is over a deep chasm. The bridge sways gently in the breeze, causing the cables to creak in a pleasant, though possibly ominous way. I look down, and see far below me the river of knowledge that flows like a thin silver rivulet along the bottom of the chasm. Oh, how I wish I could reach down, and dip my hands into the shining flow! But alas, I am on the bridge, and I cannot reach the knowledge without either exiting the bridge and climbing down the treacherous walls of the chasm, or leaping from the bridge, which would surely kill me.
A large Administrative bear emerges at the head of the bridge, but when I turn to run, the tiger of unemployment stalks me from behind! I cry out to the gods of wisdom and rationality, who answer my prayers with the approach of a group of raucously loud and uneducated mob armed with sticks and plenty of snacks, (but no pens or notebooks or textbooks,) at whose approach the bear roars in fear and leaves. The raucous group then beats me to death with their sticks, on the bridge, overlooking the shining flow of knowledge, far, far below.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
“To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion, to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly, to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart, to bear all cheerfully, to all bravely await occasions, hurry never. In a word, to let the spiritual unbidden and unconscious grow up through the common. This is to be my symphony.”
― William Henry Channing
Well - this is much more a statement of aspiration than anything else. Perhaps one day my current materialism and laziness will, with tending, mature into such a refined wisdom.
― William Henry Channing
Well - this is much more a statement of aspiration than anything else. Perhaps one day my current materialism and laziness will, with tending, mature into such a refined wisdom.
A Taxonomy of Training
The taxonomy of training has for some time now been on my mind. By this is meant the range of difficulties or problems likely to inhibit one’s fight game which can be foreseen and forestalled with a degree of preparation. A perfect example of such a foreseeable problem would be gassing out during a fight – exhausting yourself, and being unable to continue past the first minute, and thereby getting your ass kicked. A problem that would not fall within such a taxonomy may at first be difficult to name because in order to name it you foresaw it, and thus could, I suppose, prepare for it.
There is a point, however, at which an occurrence becomes so unlikely that to train for it seems rather a waste of time. One borderline example I recall was in Kenpo. We were taught to slide our feet across the ground when moving, rather than pick them up. The rationale given was that by sliding your feet you reduced the chance of stepping on something (an overturned bottle, perhaps,) which might disturb your balance. So their particular taxonomy of foreseeable problems was, in my opinion, a bit detailed, but I suppose if you are striving for degree of precision in technique that approaches science, (as they were,) why the hell not?
Yet who has time to focus on the tiniest details of advancing and retreating? My students need things which are so much more fundamental and all-encompassing than that. I suppose the person who has the time to focus on the smaller detail is the Martial Artist – the individual who has chosen to devote himself to his fight science until he reaches a degree of development sufficient that he can begin to intelligently customize the technique to his own body and skills, and further, give back to his art by contributing solid fight techniques, teaching techniques, and theory for both.
And suffice it to say, my current discipline does not attract martial artists, it attracts people who want the down-and-dirty of busting out physical confrontation with minimal damage, and then want to return to their normal lives in which krav maga occupies a couple of hours of their week, no more. Which, all things considered, is probably a healthier perspective on life, anyway, since real artists are often real pains in the ass.
So what are the taxonomy of problems which can be foreseen and forestalled by a bit of directed preparation?
Physical preparation
Cardio – put simply, most people gas out in under one minute. By gas out, I mean hit a point of exhaustion where they would rather just lose the fight now, so they could get back to breathing, or their muscles and minds simply stop working sufficiently well to continue in any sort of effective fashion. Since most boxers have (in comparison with us mere mortals,) amazing cardio, the three-minute/one round standard seems to be a nice stage to aim for.
Flexibility – the first thing that comes to mind when one mentions flexibility is Jean Claude Van Damme hanging around 3 meters off the floor, meditating while doing the splits, or amazing flying head kicks, or scorpion kicks, where the heroine (let’s imagine a chick, shall we? It’s just better that way,) her hands being occupied in front of her, swings her leg so far behind her that her foot emerges over her own head to smack the opposing person in the face.
Now forget about that. Most people need to have enough flexibility to land a kick on their opponents ribs, and that only because if you can do that, you can easily kick them in the crotch, or stomach, which is the highest you should ever kick. Unless you wish to show off for your friends, that is.
Balance – One of the things we are most likely to lose as we get older, and spend a greater amount of our time in soft supportive chairs, is our balance, our inborn, native sense of how far we can bend or stretch, with or without compensation, before we will topple over. Our ability to center our weight over one foot, or compensate for a degree of momentum or displaced weight – these are things which only long hours of kicking and jumping can teach us.
Body-hardening – this involves two aspects. First, and most critical, is the degree of pain your body registers when it comes into violent contact with something. The second is the actual damage your body receives when the impact occurs. The first of these is most critical because a moment of crisis is no time to have your mind occupied with secondary thoughts of “Ooooow – that hurt – don’t want to block with that arm again!” Since this aspect is largely mental, it’s best dealt with via practice at receiving the pain and learning that A. It signifies no lasting damage, and B. You are able to do that take that same abuse on that same spot another 5 times before it becomes “unbearable.”
The pain is likely to come in largest part, from your own body’s exertions – primarily from cardio, and secondarily from impacting the other person with strikes or blocks. With practice, two things occur – first, you learn to ignore the physical pain that occurs, and secondly, the actual amount of pain you feel decreases as your body, over time, develops tougher capillaries, denser bones, and . . . kills off nerves.
The pain that is inflicted upon you via successful strikes is another thing entirely, and largely falls under the mental, not physical, aspect.
Strength – strength is possibly the least important aspect, and most difficult to build.
Speed – speed develops as a result of learning correct technique, and practicing sufficient hours that A. Sufficient fast-twitch muscle fibers are developed, B. Your body learns how to correctly recruit the muscles it has, and thus C. the correct technique flows from your body with minimal thought interference.
Physical Accuracy, ie, coordination – a large part of success lies simply in learning accuracy – in learning, for lack of a better term, where the end of your arm is. I think we have all had the experience of looking at something sitting a little ways away, and wondering if we could move fast enough to grab it – and if so, how far would the whole body have to move, and how far could I lean over, and how far could I extend my arm, and furthermore, what hand position would be best to adopt to successfully snatch the item as fast as possible. Training teaches us, via a thousand small lessons a day, these things. How we move our body best to arrive at a particular configuration, and how to put your foot swiftly and reliably to the knee or solar plexus of another, we practice and practice and learn, until we develop the ability to move our body and extend our limbs with practiced confidence.
Mental preparation
Pain threshold – as mentioned above, there is nothing more crippling than having secondary thoughts running through one’s head which sap one’s morale by asking how close we are to breaking. Pain threshold is an important part of the cardio aspect – to learn how badly your lungs and legs can burn, and that the pain becomes X intense, but no more, teaches one to A. Continue despite the pain, and B. to not fear the pain, because one knows how to C. Distinguish between normal operating levels, and “Houston, we have a problem.”
As mentioned before, the pain from receiving a successful strike from an opponent is difficult to prepare for, but fortunately, much more of a mental hurdle than a physical one. Most strikes do not do extensive physical damage, or at least not of the sort that you need to be concerned with during the moment of truth. Furthermore, shock and adrenaline dampen the amount of pain you register at the time, which is a very good thing, since in a true physical altercation, you have bigger things to worry about than whether or not you have a broken nose.
Mentality or Attitude – Which leads us naturally to our next point – perhaps your nose IS broken. It’s bleeding on your shirt – dammit, that was a favorite shirt of yours – it will never be the same – maybe the blood isn’t on your trousers yet – perhaps your trousers can be saved – and while you are thinking about keeping your trousers clean, the other dude knocks your ass to the ground, steps on your ankle intentionally or not, thus breaking it, and incidentally also ruining your trousers.
There is no time for secondary considerations. When a physical altercation occurs, we must immediately prioritize in a manner quite different from a normal situation.
By nature of the occurrence of a physical altercation, it is clear that the normal rules that govern social interaction have been suspended – but to what degree? Is this a brawl of fisticuffs? Or will broken bottles and blades be used? I do not mean to encourage the sort of paranoia which often characterizes conversations of this sort, but stomping on the head of an unconscious person, while unusual, is not unheard of. I have even worked with a man who claimed that having been beaten down, his opponent then proceeded to run him over with a car, thus “jacking my back – for life.”
Given all this, when entering into an altercation, one must have the correct mentality, in which nothing but quick victory is important. Damage is accepted as inevitable. One’s clothes and watch and glasses are immediately forsaken as irretrievably damaged – a cost of doing business. Any blood that results is accepted not so much as an indication of physical damage, but as a warning that a particular technique was incorrect or insufficient.
This mindset of acceptance of the inevitability of physical and financial damage should extend so far as to govern our attitude and behavior going into the altercation. Since we will view this, in every way, as an experience in which hundreds of dollars of clothing, glasses, watches, etc. Will be damaged, and hundreds of dollars in medical bills will be incurred, we will naturally avoid, as much as possible, entry into physical confrontation, so that once being forced to enter in, we have no second thoughts or regrets, as we are certain we had no alternative.
Anxiety – fear is one of the biggest enemies, as it constricts one’s breathing, causes one to think less creatively, and encourages us to focus on the possibility of failure. Anxiety is always related to the unknown. How will it feel if I get hit? Am I capable of winning this? What will happen if I lose? Not only do these thoughts clutter our minds and inhibit our performance, but the accompanying stress and adrenaline often cause us to forget, or poorly execute, the techniques which we have learned. Fortunately, the best remedy for anxiety is constant practice, and lots of sparring. This gives us the opportunity to practice remembering to breathe throughout the encounter, teaches us to think under pressure, and innoculates us against fear as we learn what it feels like to be pummelled, and receive in turn the practice of pummelling someone else, and thus gain the confidence that comes from learning how to do it to good effect.
Technique – It is odd that something so important should be left until last – but absent the others above, proper technique will never emerge, or will break down in 20 seconds.
Accuracy of technique – the correct angle of delivery alone can render a technique devastating or utterly ineffective. How much more important is accuracy of technique, then, when we add to correct angle the further aspects such as speed of delivery, knowing the correct target, ways to generate instant momentum and force, proper weight distribution, and correct placement of feet and hands relative to the target? The lack of any one of these can drastically reduce to effectiveness of a technique.
Defensive Technique – these have to be practiced till protecting oneself is second nature. There will be plenty of strikes you never-saw-coming. If you are in a correct defensive posture to begin with, you will lessen the chances of the one you never-saw-coming being the one the finished it.
A few principles apply to intelligent defensive techniques. First, they should always maintain a good visual field. Of course we want to stay well-covered, but we always need to be able to see what is happening around us. Secondly, a good defensive technique will also inflict pain on the opponent, to discourage them, and allow for easy transition to offensive techniques.
Offensive Technique – three basic principles: maximum effectiveness or pain, (not necessarily damage,) minimum energy expenditure, and minimal exposure to risk of counter-attack.
Well – I hope no one ever reads this – if you do, feel free to point out anything I am lacking.
There is a point, however, at which an occurrence becomes so unlikely that to train for it seems rather a waste of time. One borderline example I recall was in Kenpo. We were taught to slide our feet across the ground when moving, rather than pick them up. The rationale given was that by sliding your feet you reduced the chance of stepping on something (an overturned bottle, perhaps,) which might disturb your balance. So their particular taxonomy of foreseeable problems was, in my opinion, a bit detailed, but I suppose if you are striving for degree of precision in technique that approaches science, (as they were,) why the hell not?
Yet who has time to focus on the tiniest details of advancing and retreating? My students need things which are so much more fundamental and all-encompassing than that. I suppose the person who has the time to focus on the smaller detail is the Martial Artist – the individual who has chosen to devote himself to his fight science until he reaches a degree of development sufficient that he can begin to intelligently customize the technique to his own body and skills, and further, give back to his art by contributing solid fight techniques, teaching techniques, and theory for both.
And suffice it to say, my current discipline does not attract martial artists, it attracts people who want the down-and-dirty of busting out physical confrontation with minimal damage, and then want to return to their normal lives in which krav maga occupies a couple of hours of their week, no more. Which, all things considered, is probably a healthier perspective on life, anyway, since real artists are often real pains in the ass.
So what are the taxonomy of problems which can be foreseen and forestalled by a bit of directed preparation?
Physical preparation
Cardio – put simply, most people gas out in under one minute. By gas out, I mean hit a point of exhaustion where they would rather just lose the fight now, so they could get back to breathing, or their muscles and minds simply stop working sufficiently well to continue in any sort of effective fashion. Since most boxers have (in comparison with us mere mortals,) amazing cardio, the three-minute/one round standard seems to be a nice stage to aim for.
Flexibility – the first thing that comes to mind when one mentions flexibility is Jean Claude Van Damme hanging around 3 meters off the floor, meditating while doing the splits, or amazing flying head kicks, or scorpion kicks, where the heroine (let’s imagine a chick, shall we? It’s just better that way,) her hands being occupied in front of her, swings her leg so far behind her that her foot emerges over her own head to smack the opposing person in the face.
Now forget about that. Most people need to have enough flexibility to land a kick on their opponents ribs, and that only because if you can do that, you can easily kick them in the crotch, or stomach, which is the highest you should ever kick. Unless you wish to show off for your friends, that is.
Balance – One of the things we are most likely to lose as we get older, and spend a greater amount of our time in soft supportive chairs, is our balance, our inborn, native sense of how far we can bend or stretch, with or without compensation, before we will topple over. Our ability to center our weight over one foot, or compensate for a degree of momentum or displaced weight – these are things which only long hours of kicking and jumping can teach us.
Body-hardening – this involves two aspects. First, and most critical, is the degree of pain your body registers when it comes into violent contact with something. The second is the actual damage your body receives when the impact occurs. The first of these is most critical because a moment of crisis is no time to have your mind occupied with secondary thoughts of “Ooooow – that hurt – don’t want to block with that arm again!” Since this aspect is largely mental, it’s best dealt with via practice at receiving the pain and learning that A. It signifies no lasting damage, and B. You are able to do that take that same abuse on that same spot another 5 times before it becomes “unbearable.”
The pain is likely to come in largest part, from your own body’s exertions – primarily from cardio, and secondarily from impacting the other person with strikes or blocks. With practice, two things occur – first, you learn to ignore the physical pain that occurs, and secondly, the actual amount of pain you feel decreases as your body, over time, develops tougher capillaries, denser bones, and . . . kills off nerves.
The pain that is inflicted upon you via successful strikes is another thing entirely, and largely falls under the mental, not physical, aspect.
Strength – strength is possibly the least important aspect, and most difficult to build.
Speed – speed develops as a result of learning correct technique, and practicing sufficient hours that A. Sufficient fast-twitch muscle fibers are developed, B. Your body learns how to correctly recruit the muscles it has, and thus C. the correct technique flows from your body with minimal thought interference.
Physical Accuracy, ie, coordination – a large part of success lies simply in learning accuracy – in learning, for lack of a better term, where the end of your arm is. I think we have all had the experience of looking at something sitting a little ways away, and wondering if we could move fast enough to grab it – and if so, how far would the whole body have to move, and how far could I lean over, and how far could I extend my arm, and furthermore, what hand position would be best to adopt to successfully snatch the item as fast as possible. Training teaches us, via a thousand small lessons a day, these things. How we move our body best to arrive at a particular configuration, and how to put your foot swiftly and reliably to the knee or solar plexus of another, we practice and practice and learn, until we develop the ability to move our body and extend our limbs with practiced confidence.
Mental preparation
Pain threshold – as mentioned above, there is nothing more crippling than having secondary thoughts running through one’s head which sap one’s morale by asking how close we are to breaking. Pain threshold is an important part of the cardio aspect – to learn how badly your lungs and legs can burn, and that the pain becomes X intense, but no more, teaches one to A. Continue despite the pain, and B. to not fear the pain, because one knows how to C. Distinguish between normal operating levels, and “Houston, we have a problem.”
As mentioned before, the pain from receiving a successful strike from an opponent is difficult to prepare for, but fortunately, much more of a mental hurdle than a physical one. Most strikes do not do extensive physical damage, or at least not of the sort that you need to be concerned with during the moment of truth. Furthermore, shock and adrenaline dampen the amount of pain you register at the time, which is a very good thing, since in a true physical altercation, you have bigger things to worry about than whether or not you have a broken nose.
Mentality or Attitude – Which leads us naturally to our next point – perhaps your nose IS broken. It’s bleeding on your shirt – dammit, that was a favorite shirt of yours – it will never be the same – maybe the blood isn’t on your trousers yet – perhaps your trousers can be saved – and while you are thinking about keeping your trousers clean, the other dude knocks your ass to the ground, steps on your ankle intentionally or not, thus breaking it, and incidentally also ruining your trousers.
There is no time for secondary considerations. When a physical altercation occurs, we must immediately prioritize in a manner quite different from a normal situation.
By nature of the occurrence of a physical altercation, it is clear that the normal rules that govern social interaction have been suspended – but to what degree? Is this a brawl of fisticuffs? Or will broken bottles and blades be used? I do not mean to encourage the sort of paranoia which often characterizes conversations of this sort, but stomping on the head of an unconscious person, while unusual, is not unheard of. I have even worked with a man who claimed that having been beaten down, his opponent then proceeded to run him over with a car, thus “jacking my back – for life.”
Given all this, when entering into an altercation, one must have the correct mentality, in which nothing but quick victory is important. Damage is accepted as inevitable. One’s clothes and watch and glasses are immediately forsaken as irretrievably damaged – a cost of doing business. Any blood that results is accepted not so much as an indication of physical damage, but as a warning that a particular technique was incorrect or insufficient.
This mindset of acceptance of the inevitability of physical and financial damage should extend so far as to govern our attitude and behavior going into the altercation. Since we will view this, in every way, as an experience in which hundreds of dollars of clothing, glasses, watches, etc. Will be damaged, and hundreds of dollars in medical bills will be incurred, we will naturally avoid, as much as possible, entry into physical confrontation, so that once being forced to enter in, we have no second thoughts or regrets, as we are certain we had no alternative.
Anxiety – fear is one of the biggest enemies, as it constricts one’s breathing, causes one to think less creatively, and encourages us to focus on the possibility of failure. Anxiety is always related to the unknown. How will it feel if I get hit? Am I capable of winning this? What will happen if I lose? Not only do these thoughts clutter our minds and inhibit our performance, but the accompanying stress and adrenaline often cause us to forget, or poorly execute, the techniques which we have learned. Fortunately, the best remedy for anxiety is constant practice, and lots of sparring. This gives us the opportunity to practice remembering to breathe throughout the encounter, teaches us to think under pressure, and innoculates us against fear as we learn what it feels like to be pummelled, and receive in turn the practice of pummelling someone else, and thus gain the confidence that comes from learning how to do it to good effect.
Technique – It is odd that something so important should be left until last – but absent the others above, proper technique will never emerge, or will break down in 20 seconds.
Accuracy of technique – the correct angle of delivery alone can render a technique devastating or utterly ineffective. How much more important is accuracy of technique, then, when we add to correct angle the further aspects such as speed of delivery, knowing the correct target, ways to generate instant momentum and force, proper weight distribution, and correct placement of feet and hands relative to the target? The lack of any one of these can drastically reduce to effectiveness of a technique.
Defensive Technique – these have to be practiced till protecting oneself is second nature. There will be plenty of strikes you never-saw-coming. If you are in a correct defensive posture to begin with, you will lessen the chances of the one you never-saw-coming being the one the finished it.
A few principles apply to intelligent defensive techniques. First, they should always maintain a good visual field. Of course we want to stay well-covered, but we always need to be able to see what is happening around us. Secondly, a good defensive technique will also inflict pain on the opponent, to discourage them, and allow for easy transition to offensive techniques.
Offensive Technique – three basic principles: maximum effectiveness or pain, (not necessarily damage,) minimum energy expenditure, and minimal exposure to risk of counter-attack.
Well – I hope no one ever reads this – if you do, feel free to point out anything I am lacking.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Every snowflake is unique,
The singular result
Of all the environmental agents
Acting around and upon the instant of
Its birth beneath a cloud.
(I take the speaker at their word,
neither knowing the how nor having the will
to dispute such an unqualified assertion.
I set the question aside and accept -
It's all that I am able to do.)
Pushed to the left or the right
On shifting winds that carry
Some aloft rising past others
Fast finding the packed
Ranks of the fallen,
Each one no doubt asserts
The importance of identity
In carving one's own way
In our wintery descent
Through life.
(And yet I will ask
of what possible practical use
is being unique when in the end
they all act the same?)
The singular result
Of all the environmental agents
Acting around and upon the instant of
Its birth beneath a cloud.
(I take the speaker at their word,
neither knowing the how nor having the will
to dispute such an unqualified assertion.
I set the question aside and accept -
It's all that I am able to do.)
Pushed to the left or the right
On shifting winds that carry
Some aloft rising past others
Fast finding the packed
Ranks of the fallen,
Each one no doubt asserts
The importance of identity
In carving one's own way
In our wintery descent
Through life.
(And yet I will ask
of what possible practical use
is being unique when in the end
they all act the same?)
For those seeking creatitivity
The following article reaffirmed much of what I suspected, and echoed some of what I had heard just this week. I highly recommend it.
WSJ article on creativity.
Enjoy!
WSJ article on creativity.
Enjoy!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
I fear my future, for all the best reasons.
A few observations upon concluding a long and not particularly point-ful day:
I was presented this morning with a t-shirt upon which was printed in Turkish "This is what a feminist looks like." One of my more amazing students, (I have had quite a few, and this one is indeed a gem,) approached me yesterday after class and prefaced her speech with, "As you may know, tomorrow is international women's day," and as it turns out, I am a sucker for any request coming from an English language learner that begins with the phrase, "As you may know."
That aside, though, I would have agreed anyway, simply because I am convinced that women's issues are one of the biggest issues of our time, and a number of other issues that we spend a lot of our time whinging about would be best approached by addressing the issue of gender inequity first.
In any case, I was happy to wear the t-shirt, and it did indeed cause at least one or two comments from male students, and it did promote a small bit of dialogue, which I imagine was the intent.
If anyone cares, below are the links to the article and video which we covered in class today, which basically reflects my point of view on this subject, which I think, despite all the noise made about it, is still a secondary issue even in the west, and is REALLY a nearly non-issue in the rest of the world, where it ought to be a front-burner issue.
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/sheryl_wudunn_our_century_s_greatest_injustice.html
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/23/magazine/23Women-t.html?pagewanted=all
Enjoy!
This evening, then, I was scheduled to shoot some pool with one of the professors in the International Relations department. He and I, (his name is Mike, by the way,) have a rare resonance of thought that seems to occur (at least for me,) once in every 5 years. He is one of those rare people who not only happens to spend about 97% of his time talking about topics that are extremely interesting to me simply because that is what is deeply interesting to him, but spends the other 2% of his time apologizing for possibly boring me with his meandering stories backpacking across Africa and motorcycling across India. (The missing 1% is spent ordering beer, for those of you who are anal about math.)
The stories about trying to get across the border of Georgia on the night of the attempted coup against Gorbachev are, of course, interesting, but the fact that all these stories are set in the frame of his relating how he came upon a theory that may utterly upset the current accepted paradigms of International Relations lends it a whole extra dimension.
Incidentally, I may or may not have touched upon the current lady-friend in previous posts - but in any case, when I mentioned Mike's name to her one evening, she did a double-take and said - "Really? You know that guy? He's famous, you know. We all had to read his stuff in grad school." I had no inkling of this, previously. I just thought he was an awfully nice and self-effacing guy who was pretty good at playing pool and had a lot of interesting stories to tell. Just goes to show - you never know who the hell you might be talking to.
So moving on half a step from there - I confided in Mike a year or so ago that I was thinking of changing fields - that English had been great, but I wanted to get into history or IR, and since then he has periodically enquired, and been encouraging me to make the jump, which leaves me asking myself what it is I am waiting for.
I have known for some time that teaching English was not for me. Teaching literature, maybe, but that's not what I am currently doing. I'm teaching the language itself, and while that has been an experience, I am getting somewhat tired of it. And of all the things that call to me, international relations is, depending on the day, in the top 3.
Yet I find myself crippled by a past of (relative) poverty, and a pathetic addiction to the still new creature comforts with which I find myself now surrounded. I spent a number of years with rather little money, and feeling as though my entire future would continue to consist of a constant sense of continual constriction occurring around the area of my metaphorical financial neck. I worried, (and to some extent, out of habit, still do,) about every hamburger and every coffee and every small luxury I for myself purchase.
I saw in front of me a brief chance at a predictable life of growing career security in the US, which I insensibly turned my back on in order to go overseas and pursue learning foreign languages and gaining a broader, more worldly perspective, at which point the financial future question was again brought into sharp relief, as I struggled from month to month to make the stateside payments on time to the student loan behemoth that from a lofty financial perch looked down upon my small, piddling, profit-less life, demanding monthly tribute.
All of which means I am reluctant to now make the pivot to a new stage in my life, because it means deserting the newly attained relative security and financial comfort (I did use the word relative!) that my current job entails, and returning to the grind of being a poor, (though scholarshipped and stipended,) student. I mean, it is only now, for the first time in . . . EVER . . . I finally find myself within sight of the end of my burden of long-term debt - the finish line. If all goes well, within 5 months from today, give or take a week or two, I will be debt free. For the first time in 14 years I will need pay no debt incurred prior to the last 30 days. I will be, again, at ZERO - but not really.
Financially I will, at long last, be back to ZERO. But in every other way, it is true, my pockets are now full. I have, over the past 14 years, got my first masters degree. It may not be much, or from a great school, but I have used it exactly as I had planned to - as a stepping stone to a better career, and perhaps a second masters degree. I have, at long last, possibly met my first real friend since university. In fact, I may have met two of them. It is strange for me to say - strange for me to confess - I don't bond with many people - in fact, if I had to list the drawbacks of being so fabulously me, inability to meet people I like would be number 1 - and yet, I suspect that I may have in this city met 2 people, two male friends, I like very much. Also, in the past 14 years I have had the experiences that have allowed me to begin a novel - and I now, for all my relative poverty, feel rich with experiences, and vitality, and interest in life. I can honestly say, despite a FUCKING WRENCING couple of years there, I feel as though for the first time in my life, I am more completely ME than I have been or could have been, at any time in past 20 years - fuckit - my whole life.
My conflict over what to do in the future stems from the fact that I have had, all my life, two competing visions to pursue - two competing ideals of self-creation. (WARNING: NO APOLOGIES WILL BE MADE FOR OVER-ROMANTICIZED BULLSHIT IN THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH. THE WORD "IDEAL" WAS INTENTIONALLY EMPLOYED TO CAUSE THE READER TO NOT BE OVERLY RELIANT ON A REALISTIC FRAME OF REFERENCE WHEN READING THE FOLLOWING DESCRIPTION.) I have had, throughout most of my life, at least two competing visions of what I should pursue. One was, as they put it in Pulp Fiction, to be "like Cain, in kung-fu. I will simply walk the earth." I recall expressing this sentiment to Stephen, my best friend from high school, as a desire to be leathered from the sun, having only enough possessions to get by, and live humbly, travelling the earth, learning everything I could. The second, other, contradictory ideal I had once was to be a wealthy man, who has the ability, the option, to taste of the best in life, wear the best suits, travel to the best places, stay at the best resorts, dive at the best spots, drink the most liquor, eat the choicest foods, fuck the finest ladies, and converse with the most scintillating intelligentsia. I assume you see the conflict, there.
I nearly joined the merchant marine once. I wanted to travel, and experience life at its most raw.
I currently have a drawer of nothing but scarves. I match them artfully with my shoes and belts. I really have a splendid variety of fashionable shoes these days. I have two different pairs of two-toned wingtips. They are so gorgeous I think I may have inspired an orgasm in girl just by walking past her. Ok - totally fantastically hyperboling - there's not a shred of truth in that - I have yet to even get a single unsolicited comment on my shoes from anyone other than my girlfriend - but that's just cuz they are utter philistines. But even utter philistines can't help commenting on the incredibly sexy coats I wear.
I worked in construction periodically for years - my hands turned into crabby calloused claws - I kept returning to it because it was the best paying job that was hassle-free to come by, and because it kept me fit, and because . . . it suited my fantasy of learning of the roots of life by studying the ways of the down and out and drug-addicted people who populate that particular field.
I go shopping now days for antiques. In particular I favor brass and copperware, and I occasionally pick up the odd bit of ephemera for fun - an old accounting ledger to use as a journal - I'm currently looking for an interesting head of an antique cane to substitute for the boring umbrella handle I currently suffer with.
A couple of times a week, and every Friday, I practice or teach the techniques of physically damaging another person's body, and leaving them in a broken pulp. Common questions involve the advisability of head-butting, and the legality of eye-gouging. In case you were wondering, most of my answers tend to end with utilizing knees to the midsection - not that you asked.
And so I recognize that what began when I was a small child, and first caught my attention as an adolescent, which is to say the dual urge to a life of grit and humility or a life of style and refinement, have thus far compromised, and produced the life I have now - a life of silly, superficial concerns mixed with blood-in-the-teeth immediacy. Yet no matter how much I stare at what has come before, I cannot rid myself of my apprehension of the stages that are yet to come.
I was presented this morning with a t-shirt upon which was printed in Turkish "This is what a feminist looks like." One of my more amazing students, (I have had quite a few, and this one is indeed a gem,) approached me yesterday after class and prefaced her speech with, "As you may know, tomorrow is international women's day," and as it turns out, I am a sucker for any request coming from an English language learner that begins with the phrase, "As you may know."
That aside, though, I would have agreed anyway, simply because I am convinced that women's issues are one of the biggest issues of our time, and a number of other issues that we spend a lot of our time whinging about would be best approached by addressing the issue of gender inequity first.
In any case, I was happy to wear the t-shirt, and it did indeed cause at least one or two comments from male students, and it did promote a small bit of dialogue, which I imagine was the intent.
If anyone cares, below are the links to the article and video which we covered in class today, which basically reflects my point of view on this subject, which I think, despite all the noise made about it, is still a secondary issue even in the west, and is REALLY a nearly non-issue in the rest of the world, where it ought to be a front-burner issue.
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/sheryl_wudunn_our_century_s_greatest_injustice.html
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/23/magazine/23Women-t.html?pagewanted=all
Enjoy!
This evening, then, I was scheduled to shoot some pool with one of the professors in the International Relations department. He and I, (his name is Mike, by the way,) have a rare resonance of thought that seems to occur (at least for me,) once in every 5 years. He is one of those rare people who not only happens to spend about 97% of his time talking about topics that are extremely interesting to me simply because that is what is deeply interesting to him, but spends the other 2% of his time apologizing for possibly boring me with his meandering stories backpacking across Africa and motorcycling across India. (The missing 1% is spent ordering beer, for those of you who are anal about math.)
The stories about trying to get across the border of Georgia on the night of the attempted coup against Gorbachev are, of course, interesting, but the fact that all these stories are set in the frame of his relating how he came upon a theory that may utterly upset the current accepted paradigms of International Relations lends it a whole extra dimension.
Incidentally, I may or may not have touched upon the current lady-friend in previous posts - but in any case, when I mentioned Mike's name to her one evening, she did a double-take and said - "Really? You know that guy? He's famous, you know. We all had to read his stuff in grad school." I had no inkling of this, previously. I just thought he was an awfully nice and self-effacing guy who was pretty good at playing pool and had a lot of interesting stories to tell. Just goes to show - you never know who the hell you might be talking to.
So moving on half a step from there - I confided in Mike a year or so ago that I was thinking of changing fields - that English had been great, but I wanted to get into history or IR, and since then he has periodically enquired, and been encouraging me to make the jump, which leaves me asking myself what it is I am waiting for.
I have known for some time that teaching English was not for me. Teaching literature, maybe, but that's not what I am currently doing. I'm teaching the language itself, and while that has been an experience, I am getting somewhat tired of it. And of all the things that call to me, international relations is, depending on the day, in the top 3.
Yet I find myself crippled by a past of (relative) poverty, and a pathetic addiction to the still new creature comforts with which I find myself now surrounded. I spent a number of years with rather little money, and feeling as though my entire future would continue to consist of a constant sense of continual constriction occurring around the area of my metaphorical financial neck. I worried, (and to some extent, out of habit, still do,) about every hamburger and every coffee and every small luxury I for myself purchase.
I saw in front of me a brief chance at a predictable life of growing career security in the US, which I insensibly turned my back on in order to go overseas and pursue learning foreign languages and gaining a broader, more worldly perspective, at which point the financial future question was again brought into sharp relief, as I struggled from month to month to make the stateside payments on time to the student loan behemoth that from a lofty financial perch looked down upon my small, piddling, profit-less life, demanding monthly tribute.
All of which means I am reluctant to now make the pivot to a new stage in my life, because it means deserting the newly attained relative security and financial comfort (I did use the word relative!) that my current job entails, and returning to the grind of being a poor, (though scholarshipped and stipended,) student. I mean, it is only now, for the first time in . . . EVER . . . I finally find myself within sight of the end of my burden of long-term debt - the finish line. If all goes well, within 5 months from today, give or take a week or two, I will be debt free. For the first time in 14 years I will need pay no debt incurred prior to the last 30 days. I will be, again, at ZERO - but not really.
Financially I will, at long last, be back to ZERO. But in every other way, it is true, my pockets are now full. I have, over the past 14 years, got my first masters degree. It may not be much, or from a great school, but I have used it exactly as I had planned to - as a stepping stone to a better career, and perhaps a second masters degree. I have, at long last, possibly met my first real friend since university. In fact, I may have met two of them. It is strange for me to say - strange for me to confess - I don't bond with many people - in fact, if I had to list the drawbacks of being so fabulously me, inability to meet people I like would be number 1 - and yet, I suspect that I may have in this city met 2 people, two male friends, I like very much. Also, in the past 14 years I have had the experiences that have allowed me to begin a novel - and I now, for all my relative poverty, feel rich with experiences, and vitality, and interest in life. I can honestly say, despite a FUCKING WRENCING couple of years there, I feel as though for the first time in my life, I am more completely ME than I have been or could have been, at any time in past 20 years - fuckit - my whole life.
My conflict over what to do in the future stems from the fact that I have had, all my life, two competing visions to pursue - two competing ideals of self-creation. (WARNING: NO APOLOGIES WILL BE MADE FOR OVER-ROMANTICIZED BULLSHIT IN THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH. THE WORD "IDEAL" WAS INTENTIONALLY EMPLOYED TO CAUSE THE READER TO NOT BE OVERLY RELIANT ON A REALISTIC FRAME OF REFERENCE WHEN READING THE FOLLOWING DESCRIPTION.) I have had, throughout most of my life, at least two competing visions of what I should pursue. One was, as they put it in Pulp Fiction, to be "like Cain, in kung-fu. I will simply walk the earth." I recall expressing this sentiment to Stephen, my best friend from high school, as a desire to be leathered from the sun, having only enough possessions to get by, and live humbly, travelling the earth, learning everything I could. The second, other, contradictory ideal I had once was to be a wealthy man, who has the ability, the option, to taste of the best in life, wear the best suits, travel to the best places, stay at the best resorts, dive at the best spots, drink the most liquor, eat the choicest foods, fuck the finest ladies, and converse with the most scintillating intelligentsia. I assume you see the conflict, there.
I nearly joined the merchant marine once. I wanted to travel, and experience life at its most raw.
I currently have a drawer of nothing but scarves. I match them artfully with my shoes and belts. I really have a splendid variety of fashionable shoes these days. I have two different pairs of two-toned wingtips. They are so gorgeous I think I may have inspired an orgasm in girl just by walking past her. Ok - totally fantastically hyperboling - there's not a shred of truth in that - I have yet to even get a single unsolicited comment on my shoes from anyone other than my girlfriend - but that's just cuz they are utter philistines. But even utter philistines can't help commenting on the incredibly sexy coats I wear.
I worked in construction periodically for years - my hands turned into crabby calloused claws - I kept returning to it because it was the best paying job that was hassle-free to come by, and because it kept me fit, and because . . . it suited my fantasy of learning of the roots of life by studying the ways of the down and out and drug-addicted people who populate that particular field.
I go shopping now days for antiques. In particular I favor brass and copperware, and I occasionally pick up the odd bit of ephemera for fun - an old accounting ledger to use as a journal - I'm currently looking for an interesting head of an antique cane to substitute for the boring umbrella handle I currently suffer with.
A couple of times a week, and every Friday, I practice or teach the techniques of physically damaging another person's body, and leaving them in a broken pulp. Common questions involve the advisability of head-butting, and the legality of eye-gouging. In case you were wondering, most of my answers tend to end with utilizing knees to the midsection - not that you asked.
And so I recognize that what began when I was a small child, and first caught my attention as an adolescent, which is to say the dual urge to a life of grit and humility or a life of style and refinement, have thus far compromised, and produced the life I have now - a life of silly, superficial concerns mixed with blood-in-the-teeth immediacy. Yet no matter how much I stare at what has come before, I cannot rid myself of my apprehension of the stages that are yet to come.
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