It has to be said, again and again, if for no other reason than how fucking true it is, that there is nothing in life that I can think of which could compare to waking up on a weekend morning to find oneself wrapped round in the arms of a lover. The warmth, the closeness, the drowsiness, all the kindly characteristics of a morning's bed, plus all the cuddling potential and earthy delight of another body and smiling face to see in the beginnings of your day.
How much more so if the day in question be Christmas, and Christmas be a day you don't despise. As for me, I do despise Christmas, normally, but for one reason or another this Christmas left me feeling minorly . . . Christmasy.
On Christmas eve I and Oyku went out to dinner with a small gathering of work friends of mine, and we had a lovely dinner-and-drinks time of it. The atmosphere was great, the people were awesome, the food was fantastic . . . the only thing that could have been improved upon might be the prices, and I am only recently mature enough to realize that if all the other factors are fine, 'twould be idiocy to ruin such a rare time with worry concerning pecuniary particulars.
We even had a bit of salacious gossip to talk about, given that the night before last had been a workplace holiday party which resulted in a largish number of tipsy people corralled on a bus home at midnight, during which trip someone in the front, (thank heavens not from our department,) vomited all over himself, and then passed out (classy!!) after covering his vomit-covered self with his suit jacket, (true class = sparing others the sight of your vomit, by sacrificing your suit jacket to it,) and a simultaneously-conducted minor dispute over the degree to which it is socially acceptable for drunken middle-aged gay men who suffer from Aspergers to repeatedly make sexualized comments (and noises) to straight Turkish men 20 years their junior in front of their wives, (and a bus-load of their colleagues.)
As it happened, I was the one who asked the man in question if perhaps he was being obnoxious. He acknowledged that he was indeed being obnoxious, but then, as drunk people often do, decided to double-down on the situation, and loudly enquired why it was that straight men liked to see lesbians when watching porn, but not gays, as two vaginas together was ok, but seeing two cocks together was not. I expressed the view that our personal-porn preferences didn't really require discussion in front of a busload of our colleagues. This did not, however, serve to dissuade him, as he continued to rail against the injustice of it, and how intolerant people "need to realize this is the 21st century!"
He then told me I was known as a Don Juan, and asked why it was that if I saw a girl, I might tell her she had nice breasts, but he couldn't tell a boy he found him attractive. I was briefly at a loss for how to respond to any of this, belatedly realizing that I was apparently ill-informed of work-place mores in the 21st century, and had been displaying far too much restraint in neglecting to comment freely on the breasts of the young ladies around me. Feeling some shame at how out-of-touch I seem to have become, I could only muster the pathetic answer that He would have to excuse me, as I for one simply didn't feel comfortable commenting on a woman's breasts until at least the fourth email. This brought some snickers from the assembled gallery, and I overheard a comment from one colleague that they were glad to finally learn the accepted time to bring that up.
I was then queried pugnaciously on how I would react if a gay man came up and flirted with me, at which point a gay colleague from the back spoke up to say that he flirted with me nearly daily, and would recommend it. I said I thought everyone had the right to flirt, but that perhaps flirting ought to begin with some nice comments about John Hurt's performance in "Krapp's Last Tape," or something about Andrew Lloyd Webber, or have you read any of so-and-so. I mean - must we jump immediately to making small moaning noises and commenting on the skin-tone of our intended fun-bun? I mean, a little bit of taste, subtlety, and class might let one play the flirt-fun game a lot longer and . . . more effectively . . . than overtly sexualized comments directed toward someone who you had met 3 times before, in the presence of his wife.
In any case - the bus having arrived at my neighborhood, I took my leave and with my friend and companion to the dinner, (a certain Finbar - a fine Irish-American lad,)wandered up the hill and home.
The next day, in a fit of uncertainty regarding how the previous evening had occurred, I apologized to a couple of the nearest spectators, if I had in any way caused them discomfort. They responded that A. it was fun, B. it was a bit weird, but maybe necessary, C. they didn't enjoy it, but I only said what everyone else was thinking. So I felt . . . relieved.
I found out two days later at the Christmas eve dinner that after I exited the bus he began more vigorously voicing negative viewpoints of my self and character, until one of those nearby told him that to say such things now was cowardly, and they didn't want to hear any more about it, and such things should be said to a person's face, not in their absence. I still don't know precisely what was said, as I only ascertained that nothing had been said that would possibly impact on me professionally - I was assured it was all of a personal and subjective nature, and so found myself quite happy to let it all go.
So, after catching up on gossip, and a smashing Christmas eve dinner, and good conversation, followed by a good sleep, I woke in Oyku's arms. After a good half-hour of drifting to the edge of sleep and back again, I wormed from under her arm and out of bed, and went to the kitchen and made coffee. Then I opened the trap door in the ceiling that leads through to the roof. Taking a red fleece blanket, I plucked some red fibers, and rubbed them into the wood grain along the edge of the trapdoor opening till they hung down like a small patch of fine red hairs. I then took a boot and wet the sole so that, pressing it down on the table beneath the trapdoor it left a distinct print. Then I took Oyku's present, and hid it under the leaves of the largest potted plant, which is the size of a small tree.
I woke her with urgency, telling her this had never happened before, and to come quickly. I showed her where someone had broken into the house, and left red fibers there - which must have meant they were wearing a red jacket, and there was even a bootprint! She opined in amazement that we must call the police, and I agreed, but then I gasped in surprise to discover that . . . the intruder had left a present for her. A look of uncomprehension possibly unmatched in modern times was soon followed by a smile of epic proportions and big hugs.
After unwrapping the present, we went back to bed and watched Baz Luhrman's "Romeo and Juliet." It is a movie I am fond of - more for stylistic reasons than anything literary - though I do enjoy the turns of certain phrases.
That afternoon we went to a piano concert in the grand bazaar, and mocked the piano-player's grandiose gestures to the crowd, and had a lovely time amongst the mountains of free snacks they were handing out - it was a cold day, and a lovely one. I don't know of another Christmas I have enjoyed quite as much as this one.
This scrooge, this Christmas, says "Bah-Hah!" And may God bless us, each and every one.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
The fraying of the soul
Frankly, for all my wahooting about how utterly fucking lovely my fucking life is, I must also say that on some winter days I find myself followed by a vague sense of dread – a feeling that something is pending im and I won’t know what until it whomps me. Like maybe my job is about to be pulled out from under me due to my own fantastically audacious ineptitude, or my bank account is going to run dry, or the police . . . fuck, I don’t know. I just feel some days as though something is waiting in the wings for me and will descend on my head and all I’ll be able to say is . . . “I really should have seen that coming.”
Perhaps it is winter. Perhaps it is the antidepressants fucking with me. Perhaps it is . . . the sense that something is slowly grinding on in my soul till one day I will find a hole that will fray from the inside till only tatters are left to go down to the grave with.
It’s like tooth decay, but less painful an ache – and on most days I don’t even know or care or am less aware of what it is that lies inside along the length of my soul’s spine.
I no longer wear a harness on my heart, and my mind aches for it at times, especially when the lather rises and foam gathers along the edge of the saddle for the endless running and running that my mind must do after all that it sees and the desires it needs and for that I don’t trust it because this horse will itself kill in running as it has no more sense than that.
Perhaps it is winter. Perhaps it is the antidepressants fucking with me. Perhaps it is . . . the sense that something is slowly grinding on in my soul till one day I will find a hole that will fray from the inside till only tatters are left to go down to the grave with.
It’s like tooth decay, but less painful an ache – and on most days I don’t even know or care or am less aware of what it is that lies inside along the length of my soul’s spine.
I no longer wear a harness on my heart, and my mind aches for it at times, especially when the lather rises and foam gathers along the edge of the saddle for the endless running and running that my mind must do after all that it sees and the desires it needs and for that I don’t trust it because this horse will itself kill in running as it has no more sense than that.
I am not my brother's keeper, as much as my society's servant.
My dreams these days come fast and thick, I know not why now or this. I see symbols in them at every turn. There are many keys and doors and windows and climbing and being trapped and fears of falling and narrow bridges and vertigo. Much of the characters and events which appear have direct correlations to events and personages in my real life, but so much of it is obviously symbolic that I have to conclude my mind is working on some issue about which it does not wish me to be fully informed.
Perhaps in time it will let me in on its little secrets.
These days I swing between knowing that my life is the finest of all possible outcomes, and I am most fortunate among men, and knowing that I am slowly failing myself, slowly losing a race with time, and slowly chronicling my own decline. I in no way exaggerate to say much of my day is occupied with contemplating what brings meaning to life, what despair actually indicates, and to what degree happiness or fulfilment are simply the off-spring of comforting, necessary delusion.
I come back to what I said before: Pain and all its precursors on the spectrum are the only true indicators of evil. Happiness or pleasure or fulfilment and all their cousins are the only measure for good. Pain or discomfort accepted as one’s allotted portion in service of reducing the pain or discomfort of larger society is duty. Pain undertaken in service of later greater happiness is virtue.
I would never disagree with Tolstoy – but while every happy family may be the same, what makes every individual happy certainly varies, and while every unhappy family may be unique in its pain, on the individual level, I think pain is very much the same. As such, our society could never hope to offer happiness to its members – but pain, it seems to me, being universal in nature, can be minimized. Thus, the society that seeks to limit the pain of its members is a society that actively attempts to minimize and neutralize the evil that afflicts its members, and this is a good society.
Especially considering that society is a conglomeration of individuals who act to some degree in concert in order to meet one another’s needs, the foundational purpose of society is the accomplishment of shared ends. So I believe that society exists to accomplish goals held in common, and the good society has, as one of those goals, the reduction of pain and discomfort to its members. As such, the society that does not serve the purpose of assisting the widest possible range of its constituting members in accomplishing their goals is a society which has begun to lose its raison d’etre, and thus, its legitimacy. In other words, society owes assistance to its constituent members.
But if society owes a degree of benefaction to individuals, do individuals owe anything to either society, or each other? Assuming the value of reciprocity, individuals owe society in the degree that they have benefitted from it. The contributions of individuals toward shared ends being what creates society, the contributions of individuals is what makes society indebted to individuals in turn for its creation. As such, since it is because of the contributions of individuals that society owes assistance to individuals, and it is because of the benefaction bestowed on them by society that individuals in turn owe society their allegiance, their attention, their time and their wealth, (in short, their resources,) we can see that we have a relationship of a clear reciprocal nature: to the degree that society provides to minimize your pain, discomfort and inconvenience, you have incurred a debt to it. The less benefit society provides to you, the lesser you need support it with your care and goods.
But if society owes individuals, and individuals owe society in related degree, does any individual owe any degree of consideration to another individual? Again, assuming the inherent validity of reciprocity, on the same reasoning, individual A owes individual B personal consideration only to the degree that B’s actions as an individual benefit A.
Thus, it seems to me, that the bond between individual members of society fast approaches nil, except insofar as they make a conscious effort to counteract this process by actively currying favor with each other by means of gifts, or acts of kindness. Simultaneously, in a developed country, the bond between a given individual and society grows stronger, as it is largely via the means of the societally maintained network of relationships that our needs are met.
Let us take an example from the office water cooler, which appeared here mysteriously 3 weeks ago, and from which I draw water. What do I owe the man who labors to bring the water up the office steps, to make it easily available to me? The short answer is nothing, except that I do not unduly hinder him in his task, or make his life unnecessarily difficult. I owe him nothing precisely because he does not undertake this work in order to benefit me. He undertakes this task to the benefit of the bottled water company, who benefit from his labor, as he benefits from being paid by them. Therefore, since the benefit accrued to me did not result from labor undertaken with the aim of benefitting me I owe him nothing. More to the point, since the benefit accrued to me is incidental to my actual presence in this room, it incurs no debt on my part.
On the other hand, the water (the benefit accrued to me,) is present in this room due to the good offices of society, which is to say the arrangement via which roads are built, (along which water bottles may be transported,) hand-carts are manufactured, (the better for carrying multiple bottles,) contracts are upheld by the law, and people are duly paid or fired, depending on whether or not water is punctually delivered. Thus while my personal debt to the individual whose action benefits me is minimal, my debt to society grows ever larger, for it is via the good offices of society, not individuals, that my needs are met, and my discomfort is minimized.
This situation reverses itself in the undeveloped countries.
Perhaps in time it will let me in on its little secrets.
These days I swing between knowing that my life is the finest of all possible outcomes, and I am most fortunate among men, and knowing that I am slowly failing myself, slowly losing a race with time, and slowly chronicling my own decline. I in no way exaggerate to say much of my day is occupied with contemplating what brings meaning to life, what despair actually indicates, and to what degree happiness or fulfilment are simply the off-spring of comforting, necessary delusion.
I come back to what I said before: Pain and all its precursors on the spectrum are the only true indicators of evil. Happiness or pleasure or fulfilment and all their cousins are the only measure for good. Pain or discomfort accepted as one’s allotted portion in service of reducing the pain or discomfort of larger society is duty. Pain undertaken in service of later greater happiness is virtue.
I would never disagree with Tolstoy – but while every happy family may be the same, what makes every individual happy certainly varies, and while every unhappy family may be unique in its pain, on the individual level, I think pain is very much the same. As such, our society could never hope to offer happiness to its members – but pain, it seems to me, being universal in nature, can be minimized. Thus, the society that seeks to limit the pain of its members is a society that actively attempts to minimize and neutralize the evil that afflicts its members, and this is a good society.
Especially considering that society is a conglomeration of individuals who act to some degree in concert in order to meet one another’s needs, the foundational purpose of society is the accomplishment of shared ends. So I believe that society exists to accomplish goals held in common, and the good society has, as one of those goals, the reduction of pain and discomfort to its members. As such, the society that does not serve the purpose of assisting the widest possible range of its constituting members in accomplishing their goals is a society which has begun to lose its raison d’etre, and thus, its legitimacy. In other words, society owes assistance to its constituent members.
But if society owes a degree of benefaction to individuals, do individuals owe anything to either society, or each other? Assuming the value of reciprocity, individuals owe society in the degree that they have benefitted from it. The contributions of individuals toward shared ends being what creates society, the contributions of individuals is what makes society indebted to individuals in turn for its creation. As such, since it is because of the contributions of individuals that society owes assistance to individuals, and it is because of the benefaction bestowed on them by society that individuals in turn owe society their allegiance, their attention, their time and their wealth, (in short, their resources,) we can see that we have a relationship of a clear reciprocal nature: to the degree that society provides to minimize your pain, discomfort and inconvenience, you have incurred a debt to it. The less benefit society provides to you, the lesser you need support it with your care and goods.
But if society owes individuals, and individuals owe society in related degree, does any individual owe any degree of consideration to another individual? Again, assuming the inherent validity of reciprocity, on the same reasoning, individual A owes individual B personal consideration only to the degree that B’s actions as an individual benefit A.
Thus, it seems to me, that the bond between individual members of society fast approaches nil, except insofar as they make a conscious effort to counteract this process by actively currying favor with each other by means of gifts, or acts of kindness. Simultaneously, in a developed country, the bond between a given individual and society grows stronger, as it is largely via the means of the societally maintained network of relationships that our needs are met.
Let us take an example from the office water cooler, which appeared here mysteriously 3 weeks ago, and from which I draw water. What do I owe the man who labors to bring the water up the office steps, to make it easily available to me? The short answer is nothing, except that I do not unduly hinder him in his task, or make his life unnecessarily difficult. I owe him nothing precisely because he does not undertake this work in order to benefit me. He undertakes this task to the benefit of the bottled water company, who benefit from his labor, as he benefits from being paid by them. Therefore, since the benefit accrued to me did not result from labor undertaken with the aim of benefitting me I owe him nothing. More to the point, since the benefit accrued to me is incidental to my actual presence in this room, it incurs no debt on my part.
On the other hand, the water (the benefit accrued to me,) is present in this room due to the good offices of society, which is to say the arrangement via which roads are built, (along which water bottles may be transported,) hand-carts are manufactured, (the better for carrying multiple bottles,) contracts are upheld by the law, and people are duly paid or fired, depending on whether or not water is punctually delivered. Thus while my personal debt to the individual whose action benefits me is minimal, my debt to society grows ever larger, for it is via the good offices of society, not individuals, that my needs are met, and my discomfort is minimized.
This situation reverses itself in the undeveloped countries.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Intrinsic values are basic.
I stumbled across a video today, which set “materialism” in contrast to “inherent values.” The narrator spoke casually of the need for us, as individuals, to pursue our “inherent values,” which made me realize that I, 1. Didn’t know what mine were, (I do have some, right?) and, 2. Had no idea what options I could select from. (I assume that someone has made a menu-list of inherent values I can choose from – if not, it’s going to seriously undercut my already low opinion of humanity.)
So, as when addressing all other questions of great potential import, I turned to wikipedia. Sure enough, someone had indeed made a menu, and you could even select individual values, or combo meals, which pleased me to no end, as I think it is best to get good value for your values.
What follows is a list of "Life stances and other views," and their "Main intrinsic values"
Nihilism - None
Humanism - human flourishing
Hedonism - pleasure
Eudaemonism - happiness
Utilitarianism - utility (although this is often synonymous with pleasure or happiness)
Rational Deontologism - virtue or duty
Rational Eudæmonism, or tempered Deontologism - both virtue and happiness combined
Emptiness - nothing possesses essential, enduring identity
Situational Ethics - love
Buddhism - Enlightenment
So how you like them apples? A chart from which to choose, and a few considerations upon which to deliberate, and I ought to have my own fast-food-philosophy ready to hand out the drive-thru window in no time.
Considerations: Shall we have one single value around which we center our philosophy, or multiple? Obviously the advantage of having a singular focus is that it would be easier to keep one’s eye on the target, and easier to argue other things around. However, having multiple inherent values allows us the balance them against each other, (which could be a lot of fun,) and just sounds more reasonable.
Casting my eyes back over that last sentence, I realize that I just held up “fun” and “reasonable” as two inherent values. Which, given that “fun” and “reasonable” are two rather different things, pretty much settles the question in favor of multiple values.
What follows are my thoughts on these . . . values . . .
Nihilism - None - “That must be exhausting.”
Humanism - human flourishing - That sounds like a good thing. I mean, it would correlate with conditions which would be more pleasant to live in, right? More dental care and less blowflies?
Hedonism - pleasure - I think the preceding rationale for humanism appealed to pleasure, didn’t it? (Or at least a lack of unpleasantness.) So have to go with Yes.
Eudaemonism - happiness - Uhm – as far as absence of pain, and presence of contentment/satisfaction/fulfillment, (ie, happiness,) go, I think those are the things by which we distinguish what is evil from what is good, right?
Utilitarianism - utility (often synonymous with pleasure or happiness)
I agree with the parenthetical bit – sounds like an argument for happiness; albeit for the greatest number, of course.
Rational Deontologism - virtue or duty - Ok – but duty TO WHAT? To the state? To one’s family? Sounds like a moving target, to me. Are virtue and duty the same? Couldn’t we have virtue which IS duty in service of good, which can be equated to happiness? In which case, duty itself would NOT be an inherent value, otherwise faithful Nazis would be virtuous.
Rational Eudæmonism, or tempered Deontologism - both virtue and happiness combined - Ok, this sounds like what I lit upon above – virtue is duty in service of promoting the general weal, which is defined as absence of pain and misery.
Emptiness - nothing possesses essential, enduring identity - I think physical pain does have an enduring identity, and is an unquestionable bad, except insofar as it serves as an investment toward a later reduction of pain and misery, the end result of which is a net loss of misery in the system. Which means that bad (pain) may be inflicted or accepted as a good, when it is a means to an end which is a good, which must by definition be the net reduction of pain. And accepting pain for these reasons would qualify as virtue.
Situational Ethics - love - UNCLEAR
Buddhism - Enlightenment - Does “enlightenment” have to be defined only in Buddhist terms? As in, liberating oneself from suffering by liberating oneself from desire? Which, honestly, I would at least half-buy into. I mean – to the degree that suffering (pain/misery) is caused by excessive desire, (which it certainly can be) then reduction of desire would be a very smart adaptation to avoid causing oneself suffering. So – yeah – I’m not sure I buy into it as an INTRINSIC value, but it certainly does have value.
I notice that nowhere here is “Knowledge” or “Wisdom” mentioned. Could knowledge be an intrinsic value? Is wisdom simply the knowledge of how to align oneself with the universe so as to minimize friction (pain and unpleasantness,) and maximize harmony, (KY Jelly and full belly?)
Just ran across this line in Wikipedia:
Nicholas Maxwell, a contemporary philosopher, advocates that academia ought to alter its focus from the acquisition of knowledge to seeking and promoting wisdom, which he defines as the capacity to realize what is of value in life, for oneself and others.”
Which pretty much sums up what I am doing at this very moment – attempting to identify what is of value in life.
Oooh, and check this out: “Researchers in the field of positive psychology have defined wisdom as the coordination of "knowledge and experience" and "its deliberate use to improve well being."
This echoes what I said, in that the knowledge is used as means to improve well being.
How interesting that for all our society’s nattering on about the importance of freedom, it isn’t listed (on this menu, at least,) as an inherent value.
So let’s begin, shall we? I value “human flourishing,” (but not too much, please!) pleasure and happiness and therefore utilitarianism, duty or virtue only when it is in service of reduction of pain and increasing of happiness, enlightenment insofar as it supports a rational choice to amend one’s worldview to decrease suffering, and the acquisition of Wisdom and Knowledge for those ends, or for their own sakes.
Thus I am left with this: I support as intrinsic values the absence of pain, and promotion of happiness.
The acquisition of knowledge and wisdom, utilitarianism, duty and virtue, enlightenment, humanism, and freedom are secondary strategies which derive their value from the degree to which they promote or have the potential to promote, the first and primary, instrinsic values.
Knowledge and Wisdom contribute to being able to align oneself with the greater forces at work in reality, so as to promote comfort and preclude pain, much as a wind-vane aligns itself with the wind, to reduce friction. From Wikipedia: “A wise person does actions that are unpleasant to do but give good results, and doesn’t do actions that are pleasant to do but give bad results"
Enlightenment is the ability to consciously choose to reduce one’s own suffering, (or that of others,) by diminishing unreasonable desire, and thus consists of a sub-category of wisdom.
Utilitarianism contributes to being able to calculate a balance between what promotes pleasure for one group, by necessitating discomfort to another.
Duty consists of the degree of personal pain, inconvenience or discomfort that is our personal lot, by the undertaking of which we would make our contribution toward minimizing the overall amount of pain in the system. Again: “A wise person does actions that are unpleasant to do but give good results, and doesn’t do actions that are pleasant to do but give bad results “
Virtue consists of willingly accepting your assigned portion, or even voluntarily taking on a greater amount of pain, inconvenience or discomfort, thus contributing toward a reduction in overall misery experienced by others.
“Humanism” seems to me a problematic concept, as it seems to imply at least 3 distinct meanings.
1. That human well-being is the core good which defines the others
2. Human well-being is to be favored over the well-being of other organisms, or even ecosystems.
3. Human well-being is the true measure of good, as opposed to the adherence to a code of religiously-based precepts.
I have delineated those above so that I could better address them.
First, I do believe that both one and two are correct, insofar as I would typically favor the needs of a human being over the needs of another organism. I am leery of this position, however, in that we should be somewhat suspicious of our beliefs, methods and motives anytime we find ourselves to be too conveniently served by the outcome.
Secondly, it is in the nature of humans, and of the world, that many if not most actions taken seem to contain within themselves the seed of their own eventual reversal, so it is that if human well-being is favored over that of ecosystems, or large numbers of organisms, soon human well-being itself is threatened by the direct results of the very actions that were taken in favor of this same human well-being.
As such, though I do, in every way except the practical, agree that human needs should be prioritized over those of other species, at a practical level this could be disastrous, as the human need to consume and reproduce in order to experience a sense of well-being may result in an overall degradation of the very systems upon which humans are dependent for their sense of well-being.
As regards number three, I fear that human well-being, difficult though it may be, is so many orders of magnitude easier to either achieve or quantify than it would be to judge between the possibly contradictory demands of competing supernatural beings, that I am afraid religiously-based precepts can only be justifiably adhered to on any level wider than that of the private individual insofar as these precepts serve to promote human well-being.
Thus, I can only be said to favor humanism insomuch as it identifies itself as secular, and maintains a forward-looking, anticipatory view toward possibly counter-productive results of the human-favoring stances it adopts.
Finally Freedom is valuable in that it allows each of us to determine for ourselves what will most serve to promote human happiness and alleviate misery, which operates on the assumption that an aggregate of individuals will better (ie, more accurately and more effectively) give voice to their collective concerns than any point of perception or vocalization emerging from or based in a singular entity.
So, as when addressing all other questions of great potential import, I turned to wikipedia. Sure enough, someone had indeed made a menu, and you could even select individual values, or combo meals, which pleased me to no end, as I think it is best to get good value for your values.
What follows is a list of "Life stances and other views," and their "Main intrinsic values"
Nihilism - None
Humanism - human flourishing
Hedonism - pleasure
Eudaemonism - happiness
Utilitarianism - utility (although this is often synonymous with pleasure or happiness)
Rational Deontologism - virtue or duty
Rational Eudæmonism, or tempered Deontologism - both virtue and happiness combined
Emptiness - nothing possesses essential, enduring identity
Situational Ethics - love
Buddhism - Enlightenment
So how you like them apples? A chart from which to choose, and a few considerations upon which to deliberate, and I ought to have my own fast-food-philosophy ready to hand out the drive-thru window in no time.
Considerations: Shall we have one single value around which we center our philosophy, or multiple? Obviously the advantage of having a singular focus is that it would be easier to keep one’s eye on the target, and easier to argue other things around. However, having multiple inherent values allows us the balance them against each other, (which could be a lot of fun,) and just sounds more reasonable.
Casting my eyes back over that last sentence, I realize that I just held up “fun” and “reasonable” as two inherent values. Which, given that “fun” and “reasonable” are two rather different things, pretty much settles the question in favor of multiple values.
What follows are my thoughts on these . . . values . . .
Nihilism - None - “That must be exhausting.”
Humanism - human flourishing - That sounds like a good thing. I mean, it would correlate with conditions which would be more pleasant to live in, right? More dental care and less blowflies?
Hedonism - pleasure - I think the preceding rationale for humanism appealed to pleasure, didn’t it? (Or at least a lack of unpleasantness.) So have to go with Yes.
Eudaemonism - happiness - Uhm – as far as absence of pain, and presence of contentment/satisfaction/fulfillment, (ie, happiness,) go, I think those are the things by which we distinguish what is evil from what is good, right?
Utilitarianism - utility (often synonymous with pleasure or happiness)
I agree with the parenthetical bit – sounds like an argument for happiness; albeit for the greatest number, of course.
Rational Deontologism - virtue or duty - Ok – but duty TO WHAT? To the state? To one’s family? Sounds like a moving target, to me. Are virtue and duty the same? Couldn’t we have virtue which IS duty in service of good, which can be equated to happiness? In which case, duty itself would NOT be an inherent value, otherwise faithful Nazis would be virtuous.
Rational Eudæmonism, or tempered Deontologism - both virtue and happiness combined - Ok, this sounds like what I lit upon above – virtue is duty in service of promoting the general weal, which is defined as absence of pain and misery.
Emptiness - nothing possesses essential, enduring identity - I think physical pain does have an enduring identity, and is an unquestionable bad, except insofar as it serves as an investment toward a later reduction of pain and misery, the end result of which is a net loss of misery in the system. Which means that bad (pain) may be inflicted or accepted as a good, when it is a means to an end which is a good, which must by definition be the net reduction of pain. And accepting pain for these reasons would qualify as virtue.
Situational Ethics - love - UNCLEAR
Buddhism - Enlightenment - Does “enlightenment” have to be defined only in Buddhist terms? As in, liberating oneself from suffering by liberating oneself from desire? Which, honestly, I would at least half-buy into. I mean – to the degree that suffering (pain/misery) is caused by excessive desire, (which it certainly can be) then reduction of desire would be a very smart adaptation to avoid causing oneself suffering. So – yeah – I’m not sure I buy into it as an INTRINSIC value, but it certainly does have value.
I notice that nowhere here is “Knowledge” or “Wisdom” mentioned. Could knowledge be an intrinsic value? Is wisdom simply the knowledge of how to align oneself with the universe so as to minimize friction (pain and unpleasantness,) and maximize harmony, (KY Jelly and full belly?)
Just ran across this line in Wikipedia:
Nicholas Maxwell, a contemporary philosopher, advocates that academia ought to alter its focus from the acquisition of knowledge to seeking and promoting wisdom, which he defines as the capacity to realize what is of value in life, for oneself and others.”
Which pretty much sums up what I am doing at this very moment – attempting to identify what is of value in life.
Oooh, and check this out: “Researchers in the field of positive psychology have defined wisdom as the coordination of "knowledge and experience" and "its deliberate use to improve well being."
This echoes what I said, in that the knowledge is used as means to improve well being.
How interesting that for all our society’s nattering on about the importance of freedom, it isn’t listed (on this menu, at least,) as an inherent value.
So let’s begin, shall we? I value “human flourishing,” (but not too much, please!) pleasure and happiness and therefore utilitarianism, duty or virtue only when it is in service of reduction of pain and increasing of happiness, enlightenment insofar as it supports a rational choice to amend one’s worldview to decrease suffering, and the acquisition of Wisdom and Knowledge for those ends, or for their own sakes.
Thus I am left with this: I support as intrinsic values the absence of pain, and promotion of happiness.
The acquisition of knowledge and wisdom, utilitarianism, duty and virtue, enlightenment, humanism, and freedom are secondary strategies which derive their value from the degree to which they promote or have the potential to promote, the first and primary, instrinsic values.
Knowledge and Wisdom contribute to being able to align oneself with the greater forces at work in reality, so as to promote comfort and preclude pain, much as a wind-vane aligns itself with the wind, to reduce friction. From Wikipedia: “A wise person does actions that are unpleasant to do but give good results, and doesn’t do actions that are pleasant to do but give bad results"
Enlightenment is the ability to consciously choose to reduce one’s own suffering, (or that of others,) by diminishing unreasonable desire, and thus consists of a sub-category of wisdom.
Utilitarianism contributes to being able to calculate a balance between what promotes pleasure for one group, by necessitating discomfort to another.
Duty consists of the degree of personal pain, inconvenience or discomfort that is our personal lot, by the undertaking of which we would make our contribution toward minimizing the overall amount of pain in the system. Again: “A wise person does actions that are unpleasant to do but give good results, and doesn’t do actions that are pleasant to do but give bad results “
Virtue consists of willingly accepting your assigned portion, or even voluntarily taking on a greater amount of pain, inconvenience or discomfort, thus contributing toward a reduction in overall misery experienced by others.
“Humanism” seems to me a problematic concept, as it seems to imply at least 3 distinct meanings.
1. That human well-being is the core good which defines the others
2. Human well-being is to be favored over the well-being of other organisms, or even ecosystems.
3. Human well-being is the true measure of good, as opposed to the adherence to a code of religiously-based precepts.
I have delineated those above so that I could better address them.
First, I do believe that both one and two are correct, insofar as I would typically favor the needs of a human being over the needs of another organism. I am leery of this position, however, in that we should be somewhat suspicious of our beliefs, methods and motives anytime we find ourselves to be too conveniently served by the outcome.
Secondly, it is in the nature of humans, and of the world, that many if not most actions taken seem to contain within themselves the seed of their own eventual reversal, so it is that if human well-being is favored over that of ecosystems, or large numbers of organisms, soon human well-being itself is threatened by the direct results of the very actions that were taken in favor of this same human well-being.
As such, though I do, in every way except the practical, agree that human needs should be prioritized over those of other species, at a practical level this could be disastrous, as the human need to consume and reproduce in order to experience a sense of well-being may result in an overall degradation of the very systems upon which humans are dependent for their sense of well-being.
As regards number three, I fear that human well-being, difficult though it may be, is so many orders of magnitude easier to either achieve or quantify than it would be to judge between the possibly contradictory demands of competing supernatural beings, that I am afraid religiously-based precepts can only be justifiably adhered to on any level wider than that of the private individual insofar as these precepts serve to promote human well-being.
Thus, I can only be said to favor humanism insomuch as it identifies itself as secular, and maintains a forward-looking, anticipatory view toward possibly counter-productive results of the human-favoring stances it adopts.
Finally Freedom is valuable in that it allows each of us to determine for ourselves what will most serve to promote human happiness and alleviate misery, which operates on the assumption that an aggregate of individuals will better (ie, more accurately and more effectively) give voice to their collective concerns than any point of perception or vocalization emerging from or based in a singular entity.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Opportunity cost
Dear heavens, I feel as though my throat, lungs and chest have been passed over with a cheese grater. I’m used to short, intense bursts of energy, but 30 damn minutes at about 10mph just friggin slaughtered me. I’m not sure if that is a good pace, or a wimpy pace, but it was pretty much a killer pace for me, and that’s all I really need to know.
But enough about that – right now I got a gajillion other things on my mind. Primarily: This girlfriend I have is sweet, super intelligent, really a quality person . . . but I am starting to realize that . . . it just isn’t going to last. Which should come as no surprise, really, since every relationship anyone has ever been in has ended in either a break-up or a death, and if I have to choose between the two, break-ups are much easier to explain to mutual friends. What I don’t understand is why I seem to go into every relationship thinking that this one will be “the one” in which we magically sail off into the sunset. Somehow it always catches me by surprise when I find that this girl is, in fact, not the fucking complete package – the perfect- in-every-way woman. You would think I would have learned by now that every relationship is certainly going to be flawed, (I mean, hell, I’m involved in it, so it’s bound to be fucked-up to some degree,) is going to require some work, and most likely will be, to a greater or lesser degree, temporary.
I’m ready to do the work – I know we will fight and have difficulties, but I guess I am not yet prepared to accept that every girl is most likely just a temporary stop along the way, and I cannot figure out if that is a good thing or a bad thing. It seems as though it would be taking my cynicism to new heights to just acknowledge to myself at the outset that this girl is probably just a temporary harbor from the storm, (no need to continue with the “docking” metaphor, is there?) and sooner or later I’ll be moving on. In a way I appreciate the naivete with which I approach the relationships, and the fact that I am actually looking at them for long-term potential, but maybe I am just being dishonest with myself.
On the upside, as a result of my approaching it with an eye to the long-term, I really do fall for these chicks – but perhaps that is part of the problem. Perhaps by going in “hoping for the best” I allow the swirl of emotions to cloud my judgement, and thus am taken by surprise when deal-breakers pop up. I also have to wonder to what extent I actually allow myself to fall for them because the “swirl of emotions” in me tends to have a positive effect on them – so maybe in the end it is just all cynical manipulation on my part anyway.
The previous girlfriend had a lot going for her – she was extremely sweet and caring, and very, very attached, and AMAN TANRIM did this girl get turned on when you took out a camera. Tall, good looking, amazing body (did ballet for 16 years, till she got too tall) – an ass I could stare at all day – and did, in fact. She had gorgeous silky long black hair, lived in high-heels and was always perfectly turned out: weekly manicures, waxes, whatevers, the whole 9 yards. And then she asked me if India was close to Brazil. And slowly, what emerged was the fact that her grasp of economics, philosophy, art, biology, fuck- you-name-it, if it wasn’t within her very circumscribed experience, it was a bleeding mystery to her. In fashion, style, femininity, and social charm, however, she had a fucking black-belt.
I am not sure, even at this remove, if I am being fair to her. I mean – to what degree am I cognizant of the ins and outs of office politics in the magazine publishing division of Turkish media conglomerates? Hell, to what degree am I cognizant of ANYTHING of practical value? Not much, I suppose, if we want to be honest. I guess my very circumscribed experience just happens to include an ass-load of books and articles on world politics, literature, art and history, and I (for no doubt unjustifiably self-centered reasons,) tend to favor my set of knowledge over hers. Cultural imperialism? Mebbe. Classism? Mebbe. Inevitable? ‘Fraid so.
There was, in fact, one other problematic detail – she had a disturbing habit of tracking my eyes, and making sure to register every other woman I looked at. This by itself is nothing really, but if you have ever been in a relationship with a jealous person, you start to see the signs early. And it was not long before she started asking odd questions, and poking about in a jealous manner.
So she was served notice some time ago that . . . well . . . I put it as kindly as I could . . . that I was not really in love with her. But she kept coming around, (even the most repugnant boys are difficult for a girl to get over once they have fallen for them, and I am not the most repugnant,) until I told her I had met someone new.
And had I ever. We met at a book club (auspicious beginning, yes?) and she worked for a group who advised governments on ways to promote transparency in public policy. She had done a year at Harvard, and was in the dissertation stage of getting her Ph.D from one of the more prestigious schools in Turkey. So whereas the previous girlfriend didn’t know who Khaddafi was, or Mubarak, or how long he had been in power or whether or not he was generally viewed as irredeemably corrupt, or . . . nevermind . . . the new young lady could tell you offhand the number of gas pipelines coming out of Russia into Europe, and how the proposed new pipelines could affect former soviet-bloc countries. So whereas the last young lady had spent business dinners on the phone with me so that visiting foreigners wouldn’t figure out how little English she spoke, the new young lady travelled to Tanzania, Ukraine, India, Thailand, the Czech Republic, etc, to give speeches on development. Let’s just say the difference in conversations we could have were notable.
Yet – what is lacking? Oh, dear – I have to confess – I’m afraid animal vibes are what’s missing now. When I smell her neck . . . I am simply not overcome with a desire to fuck her. There’s nothing wrong with her physically – she’s quite fit – used to be a swimmer – nice ass – fucks with conviction – but . . . we just don’t have animal chemistry. I’d rather cuddle and watch a movie than fuck. And what am I to do about that? I mean – for the first time in my life, I am wishing we had just stayed friends, because now I have to break up with someone who I really, really like talking to.
I determined a couple of years ago that if I got married again, I wanted one who was drop-dead gorgeous, as well as intellectually interesting. (Go ahead, snort in your coffee, and say “well, don’t we all.” Fuck you – you aren’t me, bitch. Sit back and watch. But I digress.) So I decided there were two directions one could take to arrive at this end: 1. Start photographing models, and sort your way through to the smart ones, and shop one of those. 2. Start chatting your way through the academics until you hit a hottie, and take her home.
As a result, I spent a week or so last year in Ukraine, photographing models, (this one goes under the name Alissa White – don’t look her up on google images with a low filter setting if you got excitable young males in the room,) and I joined a book club. So far, things aren’t working out too badly – but it looks like it’s time to pick up the camera again.
But enough about that – right now I got a gajillion other things on my mind. Primarily: This girlfriend I have is sweet, super intelligent, really a quality person . . . but I am starting to realize that . . . it just isn’t going to last. Which should come as no surprise, really, since every relationship anyone has ever been in has ended in either a break-up or a death, and if I have to choose between the two, break-ups are much easier to explain to mutual friends. What I don’t understand is why I seem to go into every relationship thinking that this one will be “the one” in which we magically sail off into the sunset. Somehow it always catches me by surprise when I find that this girl is, in fact, not the fucking complete package – the perfect- in-every-way woman. You would think I would have learned by now that every relationship is certainly going to be flawed, (I mean, hell, I’m involved in it, so it’s bound to be fucked-up to some degree,) is going to require some work, and most likely will be, to a greater or lesser degree, temporary.
I’m ready to do the work – I know we will fight and have difficulties, but I guess I am not yet prepared to accept that every girl is most likely just a temporary stop along the way, and I cannot figure out if that is a good thing or a bad thing. It seems as though it would be taking my cynicism to new heights to just acknowledge to myself at the outset that this girl is probably just a temporary harbor from the storm, (no need to continue with the “docking” metaphor, is there?) and sooner or later I’ll be moving on. In a way I appreciate the naivete with which I approach the relationships, and the fact that I am actually looking at them for long-term potential, but maybe I am just being dishonest with myself.
On the upside, as a result of my approaching it with an eye to the long-term, I really do fall for these chicks – but perhaps that is part of the problem. Perhaps by going in “hoping for the best” I allow the swirl of emotions to cloud my judgement, and thus am taken by surprise when deal-breakers pop up. I also have to wonder to what extent I actually allow myself to fall for them because the “swirl of emotions” in me tends to have a positive effect on them – so maybe in the end it is just all cynical manipulation on my part anyway.
The previous girlfriend had a lot going for her – she was extremely sweet and caring, and very, very attached, and AMAN TANRIM did this girl get turned on when you took out a camera. Tall, good looking, amazing body (did ballet for 16 years, till she got too tall) – an ass I could stare at all day – and did, in fact. She had gorgeous silky long black hair, lived in high-heels and was always perfectly turned out: weekly manicures, waxes, whatevers, the whole 9 yards. And then she asked me if India was close to Brazil. And slowly, what emerged was the fact that her grasp of economics, philosophy, art, biology, fuck- you-name-it, if it wasn’t within her very circumscribed experience, it was a bleeding mystery to her. In fashion, style, femininity, and social charm, however, she had a fucking black-belt.
I am not sure, even at this remove, if I am being fair to her. I mean – to what degree am I cognizant of the ins and outs of office politics in the magazine publishing division of Turkish media conglomerates? Hell, to what degree am I cognizant of ANYTHING of practical value? Not much, I suppose, if we want to be honest. I guess my very circumscribed experience just happens to include an ass-load of books and articles on world politics, literature, art and history, and I (for no doubt unjustifiably self-centered reasons,) tend to favor my set of knowledge over hers. Cultural imperialism? Mebbe. Classism? Mebbe. Inevitable? ‘Fraid so.
There was, in fact, one other problematic detail – she had a disturbing habit of tracking my eyes, and making sure to register every other woman I looked at. This by itself is nothing really, but if you have ever been in a relationship with a jealous person, you start to see the signs early. And it was not long before she started asking odd questions, and poking about in a jealous manner.
So she was served notice some time ago that . . . well . . . I put it as kindly as I could . . . that I was not really in love with her. But she kept coming around, (even the most repugnant boys are difficult for a girl to get over once they have fallen for them, and I am not the most repugnant,) until I told her I had met someone new.
And had I ever. We met at a book club (auspicious beginning, yes?) and she worked for a group who advised governments on ways to promote transparency in public policy. She had done a year at Harvard, and was in the dissertation stage of getting her Ph.D from one of the more prestigious schools in Turkey. So whereas the previous girlfriend didn’t know who Khaddafi was, or Mubarak, or how long he had been in power or whether or not he was generally viewed as irredeemably corrupt, or . . . nevermind . . . the new young lady could tell you offhand the number of gas pipelines coming out of Russia into Europe, and how the proposed new pipelines could affect former soviet-bloc countries. So whereas the last young lady had spent business dinners on the phone with me so that visiting foreigners wouldn’t figure out how little English she spoke, the new young lady travelled to Tanzania, Ukraine, India, Thailand, the Czech Republic, etc, to give speeches on development. Let’s just say the difference in conversations we could have were notable.
Yet – what is lacking? Oh, dear – I have to confess – I’m afraid animal vibes are what’s missing now. When I smell her neck . . . I am simply not overcome with a desire to fuck her. There’s nothing wrong with her physically – she’s quite fit – used to be a swimmer – nice ass – fucks with conviction – but . . . we just don’t have animal chemistry. I’d rather cuddle and watch a movie than fuck. And what am I to do about that? I mean – for the first time in my life, I am wishing we had just stayed friends, because now I have to break up with someone who I really, really like talking to.
I determined a couple of years ago that if I got married again, I wanted one who was drop-dead gorgeous, as well as intellectually interesting. (Go ahead, snort in your coffee, and say “well, don’t we all.” Fuck you – you aren’t me, bitch. Sit back and watch. But I digress.) So I decided there were two directions one could take to arrive at this end: 1. Start photographing models, and sort your way through to the smart ones, and shop one of those. 2. Start chatting your way through the academics until you hit a hottie, and take her home.
As a result, I spent a week or so last year in Ukraine, photographing models, (this one goes under the name Alissa White – don’t look her up on google images with a low filter setting if you got excitable young males in the room,) and I joined a book club. So far, things aren’t working out too badly – but it looks like it’s time to pick up the camera again.
Monday, December 12, 2011
i thank you God for most this amazing.
I refuse demands for capitulation – I demand a celebration. Today is my birthday – today is the birth day of light, and of love and wings, and of the gay great happening illimitably earth.
It is – it actually is – my birthday. I have never been one for celebrating such things – but the older I get, and the less people I have around me who care, the more special it comes to seem. I have long scoffed at the silly emphasis people put on making a day special, but am slowly coming to realize that making a day “special” is just a way of staunching the boredom that flows in and out and permeates our daily existence placing a small marker tabbed upon one day that says our time here and ourselves are something more than an accumulation of ordinary days which began in squalling mucus and ends in a hoarse rattle of same.
I made today special by first, praying this morning. I know – sounds weird – but here is the realization I am coming to: As much as my brain, which cries out at the utter improbability, and lack of evidence for a deity, my soul needs NOT a deity to beg of, or to prevent a descent into darkness final at the end of my days – for an end to be an end is ok with me – but my soul needs someone to whom I can grateful.
It may sound strange to say it – but it is the realization I have been coming to. The reason I need a woman in my life pretty much almost all the time, (aside from for fucking, for company, for conversation, for attention,) is that I want someone to whom I can be nice – someone I can compliment – someone I can show attention to, and make smile. That is one of the main motivations, needs, I have, which cause me to seek out women. Similarly – my need for a deity is motivated largely by an excess of gratitude, of thanks for the sheer splendor of my life, which I cannot discharge in any direction absent a being who oversees all things. It’s a bit of a conundrum, I know.
I find that most of my interactions and conversations with God consist of my simply saying thank you, expressing how grateful I am that despite the idiocy that has characterized my life, I feel so richly surrounded by a wealth of good things. I know it could be simple chance – a roll of the chromosomal dice, a choice to walk here, a chance twist of the steering wheel there – it could be just an accumulation of chances that has resulted in my being so damn fortunate – but if so, I should not feel grateful – I should only feel lucky. And if I am only lucky, I need feel only relief – that I dodged a disaster, that I came out unscathed, that I owe no one for the fortunate spin of the wheel.
Yet I feel distinctly grateful – blessed. The fact that I am surrounded by others who may be equally fortunate does absolutely nothing to dilute my specific sense of joy. My mind teeters on the edge of explosm when I contemplate how uncommon is my particular lot – my life’s individual blend of pungent proclivities and aromatic assholery. To have the ability and option to travel, to see, to read, to write, to work or waste, to meet, to contemplate and converse, to dive, to drink, to fight, fuck and fidget. (You knew the alliteration would catch up with me eventually, didn’t you?)
But seriously – in a world where so much can go wrong – and in which “getting it right” is so ridiculously difficult – I feel as though I have, against all probabilities, especially given my wastrel and lackadaisical nature, ass-ended so far up Maslow’s hierarchy that I find myself nearly constantly nuzzling the nether-regions of self-actualization – something that I feel so many others who have worked so much harder and more conscientiously than myself have conspicuously failed to do.
So I began this morning by praying – by thanking God for yet another day – for yet another year – and for the utterly unimaginable good fortune of my life. I packed the lovely lunch a lovely lady had packed for me from the leftovers of the delightful dinner that she had fixed me last night in (unbeknownst to me) recognition of my impending birthday. (Apparently she had had some difficulty in deciphering which date was actually my birthday, as I habitually enter false ones on forms and websites.) Then I treated myself to a morning workout in the gym, doing only the exercises that I wanted to do. And now, writing this, I sit in a comfortable chair, in a warm office, drinking coffee and milk.
It is a world away from the sensations I recall when covering my face with a balaclava as I ascended a ladder anchored in snow, to hold a board of siding to nail it to a garage – or struggled to apply sufficient force to a freezing-cold iron crowbar, ripping free the wood from the nails that still stuck in the concrete around the forms, as the snowflakes swirled around my nose and eyes and the cold pain in my fingers became more insistent. I remember the misery of financial insecurity – of cold early mornings packing a pail of unappetizing food before exiting the house to face a day of drudgery and boredom – leaving the house in the dark, I would return again after dark, to eat alone what I had the energy to prepare.
I thank God for the health and wealth – the amazing richness of texture and flavor in my life today. I joy in every moment – I am grateful now even for the times of loneliness, pain, cold and hurt, for it helps me now to know what grand good fortune I have, and makes me feel that every step of my life has been shadowed by kindness.
It is – it actually is – my birthday. I have never been one for celebrating such things – but the older I get, and the less people I have around me who care, the more special it comes to seem. I have long scoffed at the silly emphasis people put on making a day special, but am slowly coming to realize that making a day “special” is just a way of staunching the boredom that flows in and out and permeates our daily existence placing a small marker tabbed upon one day that says our time here and ourselves are something more than an accumulation of ordinary days which began in squalling mucus and ends in a hoarse rattle of same.
I made today special by first, praying this morning. I know – sounds weird – but here is the realization I am coming to: As much as my brain, which cries out at the utter improbability, and lack of evidence for a deity, my soul needs NOT a deity to beg of, or to prevent a descent into darkness final at the end of my days – for an end to be an end is ok with me – but my soul needs someone to whom I can grateful.
It may sound strange to say it – but it is the realization I have been coming to. The reason I need a woman in my life pretty much almost all the time, (aside from for fucking, for company, for conversation, for attention,) is that I want someone to whom I can be nice – someone I can compliment – someone I can show attention to, and make smile. That is one of the main motivations, needs, I have, which cause me to seek out women. Similarly – my need for a deity is motivated largely by an excess of gratitude, of thanks for the sheer splendor of my life, which I cannot discharge in any direction absent a being who oversees all things. It’s a bit of a conundrum, I know.
I find that most of my interactions and conversations with God consist of my simply saying thank you, expressing how grateful I am that despite the idiocy that has characterized my life, I feel so richly surrounded by a wealth of good things. I know it could be simple chance – a roll of the chromosomal dice, a choice to walk here, a chance twist of the steering wheel there – it could be just an accumulation of chances that has resulted in my being so damn fortunate – but if so, I should not feel grateful – I should only feel lucky. And if I am only lucky, I need feel only relief – that I dodged a disaster, that I came out unscathed, that I owe no one for the fortunate spin of the wheel.
Yet I feel distinctly grateful – blessed. The fact that I am surrounded by others who may be equally fortunate does absolutely nothing to dilute my specific sense of joy. My mind teeters on the edge of explosm when I contemplate how uncommon is my particular lot – my life’s individual blend of pungent proclivities and aromatic assholery. To have the ability and option to travel, to see, to read, to write, to work or waste, to meet, to contemplate and converse, to dive, to drink, to fight, fuck and fidget. (You knew the alliteration would catch up with me eventually, didn’t you?)
But seriously – in a world where so much can go wrong – and in which “getting it right” is so ridiculously difficult – I feel as though I have, against all probabilities, especially given my wastrel and lackadaisical nature, ass-ended so far up Maslow’s hierarchy that I find myself nearly constantly nuzzling the nether-regions of self-actualization – something that I feel so many others who have worked so much harder and more conscientiously than myself have conspicuously failed to do.
So I began this morning by praying – by thanking God for yet another day – for yet another year – and for the utterly unimaginable good fortune of my life. I packed the lovely lunch a lovely lady had packed for me from the leftovers of the delightful dinner that she had fixed me last night in (unbeknownst to me) recognition of my impending birthday. (Apparently she had had some difficulty in deciphering which date was actually my birthday, as I habitually enter false ones on forms and websites.) Then I treated myself to a morning workout in the gym, doing only the exercises that I wanted to do. And now, writing this, I sit in a comfortable chair, in a warm office, drinking coffee and milk.
It is a world away from the sensations I recall when covering my face with a balaclava as I ascended a ladder anchored in snow, to hold a board of siding to nail it to a garage – or struggled to apply sufficient force to a freezing-cold iron crowbar, ripping free the wood from the nails that still stuck in the concrete around the forms, as the snowflakes swirled around my nose and eyes and the cold pain in my fingers became more insistent. I remember the misery of financial insecurity – of cold early mornings packing a pail of unappetizing food before exiting the house to face a day of drudgery and boredom – leaving the house in the dark, I would return again after dark, to eat alone what I had the energy to prepare.
I thank God for the health and wealth – the amazing richness of texture and flavor in my life today. I joy in every moment – I am grateful now even for the times of loneliness, pain, cold and hurt, for it helps me now to know what grand good fortune I have, and makes me feel that every step of my life has been shadowed by kindness.
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