The fraying of the soul

Frankly, for all my wahooting about how utterly fucking lovely my fucking life is, I must also say that on some winter days I find myself followed by a vague sense of dread – a feeling that something is pending im and I won’t know what until it whomps me. Like maybe my job is about to be pulled out from under me due to my own fantastically audacious ineptitude, or my bank account is going to run dry, or the police . . . fuck, I don’t know. I just feel some days as though something is waiting in the wings for me and will descend on my head and all I’ll be able to say is . . . “I really should have seen that coming.”

Perhaps it is winter. Perhaps it is the antidepressants fucking with me. Perhaps it is . . . the sense that something is slowly grinding on in my soul till one day I will find a hole that will fray from the inside till only tatters are left to go down to the grave with.

It’s like tooth decay, but less painful an ache – and on most days I don’t even know or care or am less aware of what it is that lies inside along the length of my soul’s spine.

I no longer wear a harness on my heart, and my mind aches for it at times, especially when the lather rises and foam gathers along the edge of the saddle for the endless running and running that my mind must do after all that it sees and the desires it needs and for that I don’t trust it because this horse will itself kill in running as it has no more sense than that.

I am not my brother's keeper, as much as my society's servant.

My dreams these days come fast and thick, I know not why now or this. I see symbols in them at every turn. There are many keys and doors and windows and climbing and being trapped and fears of falling and narrow bridges and vertigo. Much of the characters and events which appear have direct correlations to events and personages in my real life, but so much of it is obviously symbolic that I have to conclude my mind is working on some issue about which it does not wish me to be fully informed.

Perhaps in time it will let me in on its little secrets.

These days I swing between knowing that my life is the finest of all possible outcomes, and I am most fortunate among men, and knowing that I am slowly failing myself, slowly losing a race with time, and slowly chronicling my own decline. I in no way exaggerate to say much of my day is occupied with contemplating what brings meaning to life, what despair actually indicates, and to what degree happiness or fulfilment are simply the off-spring of comforting, necessary delusion.

I come back to what I said before: Pain and all its precursors on the spectrum are the only true indicators of evil. Happiness or pleasure or fulfilment and all their cousins are the only measure for good. Pain or discomfort accepted as one’s allotted portion in service of reducing the pain or discomfort of larger society is duty. Pain undertaken in service of later greater happiness is virtue.

I would never disagree with Tolstoy – but while every happy family may be the same, what makes every individual happy certainly varies, and while every unhappy family may be unique in its pain, on the individual level, I think pain is very much the same. As such, our society could never hope to offer happiness to its members – but pain, it seems to me, being universal in nature, can be minimized. Thus, the society that seeks to limit the pain of its members is a society that actively attempts to minimize and neutralize the evil that afflicts its members, and this is a good society.

Especially considering that society is a conglomeration of individuals who act to some degree in concert in order to meet one another’s needs, the foundational purpose of society is the accomplishment of shared ends. So I believe that society exists to accomplish goals held in common, and the good society has, as one of those goals, the reduction of pain and discomfort to its members. As such, the society that does not serve the purpose of assisting the widest possible range of its constituting members in accomplishing their goals is a society which has begun to lose its raison d’etre, and thus, its legitimacy. In other words, society owes assistance to its constituent members.

But if society owes a degree of benefaction to individuals, do individuals owe anything to either society, or each other? Assuming the value of reciprocity, individuals owe society in the degree that they have benefitted from it. The contributions of individuals toward shared ends being what creates society, the contributions of individuals is what makes society indebted to individuals in turn for its creation. As such, since it is because of the contributions of individuals that society owes assistance to individuals, and it is because of the benefaction bestowed on them by society that individuals in turn owe society their allegiance, their attention, their time and their wealth, (in short, their resources,) we can see that we have a relationship of a clear reciprocal nature: to the degree that society provides to minimize your pain, discomfort and inconvenience, you have incurred a debt to it. The less benefit society provides to you, the lesser you need support it with your care and goods.

But if society owes individuals, and individuals owe society in related degree, does any individual owe any degree of consideration to another individual? Again, assuming the inherent validity of reciprocity, on the same reasoning, individual A owes individual B personal consideration only to the degree that B’s actions as an individual benefit A.

Thus, it seems to me, that the bond between individual members of society fast approaches nil, except insofar as they make a conscious effort to counteract this process by actively currying favor with each other by means of gifts, or acts of kindness. Simultaneously, in a developed country, the bond between a given individual and society grows stronger, as it is largely via the means of the societally maintained network of relationships that our needs are met.

Let us take an example from the office water cooler, which appeared here mysteriously 3 weeks ago, and from which I draw water. What do I owe the man who labors to bring the water up the office steps, to make it easily available to me? The short answer is nothing, except that I do not unduly hinder him in his task, or make his life unnecessarily difficult. I owe him nothing precisely because he does not undertake this work in order to benefit me. He undertakes this task to the benefit of the bottled water company, who benefit from his labor, as he benefits from being paid by them. Therefore, since the benefit accrued to me did not result from labor undertaken with the aim of benefitting me I owe him nothing. More to the point, since the benefit accrued to me is incidental to my actual presence in this room, it incurs no debt on my part.

On the other hand, the water (the benefit accrued to me,) is present in this room due to the good offices of society, which is to say the arrangement via which roads are built, (along which water bottles may be transported,) hand-carts are manufactured, (the better for carrying multiple bottles,) contracts are upheld by the law, and people are duly paid or fired, depending on whether or not water is punctually delivered. Thus while my personal debt to the individual whose action benefits me is minimal, my debt to society grows ever larger, for it is via the good offices of society, not individuals, that my needs are met, and my discomfort is minimized.

This situation reverses itself in the undeveloped countries.

Intrinsic values are basic.

I stumbled across a video today, which set “materialism” in contrast to “inherent values.” The narrator spoke casually of the need for us, as individuals, to pursue our “inherent values,” which made me realize that I, 1. Didn’t know what mine were, (I do have some, right?) and, 2. Had no idea what options I could select from. (I assume that someone has made a menu-list of inherent values I can choose from – if not, it’s going to seriously undercut my already low opinion of humanity.)

So, as when addressing all other questions of great potential import, I turned to wikipedia. Sure enough, someone had indeed made a menu, and you could even select individual values, or combo meals, which pleased me to no end, as I think it is best to get good value for your values.


What follows is a list of "Life stances and other views," and their "Main intrinsic values"
Nihilism - None
Humanism - human flourishing
Hedonism - pleasure
Eudaemonism - happiness
Utilitarianism - utility (although this is often synonymous with pleasure or happiness)
Rational Deontologism - virtue or duty
Rational Eudæmonism, or tempered Deontologism - both virtue and happiness combined
Emptiness - nothing possesses essential, enduring identity
Situational Ethics - love
Buddhism - Enlightenment


So how you like them apples? A chart from which to choose, and a few considerations upon which to deliberate, and I ought to have my own fast-food-philosophy ready to hand out the drive-thru window in no time.

Considerations: Shall we have one single value around which we center our philosophy, or multiple? Obviously the advantage of having a singular focus is that it would be easier to keep one’s eye on the target, and easier to argue other things around. However, having multiple inherent values allows us the balance them against each other, (which could be a lot of fun,) and just sounds more reasonable.

Casting my eyes back over that last sentence, I realize that I just held up “fun” and “reasonable” as two inherent values. Which, given that “fun” and “reasonable” are two rather different things, pretty much settles the question in favor of multiple values.


What follows are my thoughts on these . . . values . . .

Nihilism - None - “That must be exhausting.”

Humanism - human flourishing - That sounds like a good thing. I mean, it would correlate with conditions which would be more pleasant to live in, right? More dental care and less blowflies?

Hedonism - pleasure - I think the preceding rationale for humanism appealed to pleasure, didn’t it? (Or at least a lack of unpleasantness.) So have to go with Yes.

Eudaemonism - happiness - Uhm – as far as absence of pain, and presence of contentment/satisfaction/fulfillment, (ie, happiness,) go, I think those are the things by which we distinguish what is evil from what is good, right?

Utilitarianism - utility (often synonymous with pleasure or happiness)
I agree with the parenthetical bit – sounds like an argument for happiness; albeit for the greatest number, of course.

Rational Deontologism - virtue or duty - Ok – but duty TO WHAT? To the state? To one’s family? Sounds like a moving target, to me. Are virtue and duty the same? Couldn’t we have virtue which IS duty in service of good, which can be equated to happiness? In which case, duty itself would NOT be an inherent value, otherwise faithful Nazis would be virtuous.

Rational Eudæmonism, or tempered Deontologism - both virtue and happiness combined - Ok, this sounds like what I lit upon above – virtue is duty in service of promoting the general weal, which is defined as absence of pain and misery.

Emptiness - nothing possesses essential, enduring identity - I think physical pain does have an enduring identity, and is an unquestionable bad, except insofar as it serves as an investment toward a later reduction of pain and misery, the end result of which is a net loss of misery in the system. Which means that bad (pain) may be inflicted or accepted as a good, when it is a means to an end which is a good, which must by definition be the net reduction of pain. And accepting pain for these reasons would qualify as virtue.

Situational Ethics - love - UNCLEAR

Buddhism - Enlightenment - Does “enlightenment” have to be defined only in Buddhist terms? As in, liberating oneself from suffering by liberating oneself from desire? Which, honestly, I would at least half-buy into. I mean – to the degree that suffering (pain/misery) is caused by excessive desire, (which it certainly can be) then reduction of desire would be a very smart adaptation to avoid causing oneself suffering. So – yeah – I’m not sure I buy into it as an INTRINSIC value, but it certainly does have value.

I notice that nowhere here is “Knowledge” or “Wisdom” mentioned. Could knowledge be an intrinsic value? Is wisdom simply the knowledge of how to align oneself with the universe so as to minimize friction (pain and unpleasantness,) and maximize harmony, (KY Jelly and full belly?)

Just ran across this line in Wikipedia:
Nicholas Maxwell, a contemporary philosopher, advocates that academia ought to alter its focus from the acquisition of knowledge to seeking and promoting wisdom, which he defines as the capacity to realize what is of value in life, for oneself and others.”
Which pretty much sums up what I am doing at this very moment – attempting to identify what is of value in life.

Oooh, and check this out: “Researchers in the field of positive psychology have defined wisdom as the coordination of "knowledge and experience" and "its deliberate use to improve well being."

This echoes what I said, in that the knowledge is used as means to improve well being.

How interesting that for all our society’s nattering on about the importance of freedom, it isn’t listed (on this menu, at least,) as an inherent value.

So let’s begin, shall we? I value “human flourishing,” (but not too much, please!) pleasure and happiness and therefore utilitarianism, duty or virtue only when it is in service of reduction of pain and increasing of happiness, enlightenment insofar as it supports a rational choice to amend one’s worldview to decrease suffering, and the acquisition of Wisdom and Knowledge for those ends, or for their own sakes.

Thus I am left with this: I support as intrinsic values the absence of pain, and promotion of happiness.

The acquisition of knowledge and wisdom, utilitarianism, duty and virtue, enlightenment, humanism, and freedom are secondary strategies which derive their value from the degree to which they promote or have the potential to promote, the first and primary, instrinsic values.

Knowledge and Wisdom contribute to being able to align oneself with the greater forces at work in reality, so as to promote comfort and preclude pain, much as a wind-vane aligns itself with the wind, to reduce friction. From Wikipedia: “A wise person does actions that are unpleasant to do but give good results, and doesn’t do actions that are pleasant to do but give bad results"

Enlightenment is the ability to consciously choose to reduce one’s own suffering, (or that of others,) by diminishing unreasonable desire, and thus consists of a sub-category of wisdom.

Utilitarianism contributes to being able to calculate a balance between what promotes pleasure for one group, by necessitating discomfort to another.

Duty consists of the degree of personal pain, inconvenience or discomfort that is our personal lot, by the undertaking of which we would make our contribution toward minimizing the overall amount of pain in the system. Again: “A wise person does actions that are unpleasant to do but give good results, and doesn’t do actions that are pleasant to do but give bad results “

Virtue consists of willingly accepting your assigned portion, or even voluntarily taking on a greater amount of pain, inconvenience or discomfort, thus contributing toward a reduction in overall misery experienced by others.

“Humanism” seems to me a problematic concept, as it seems to imply at least 3 distinct meanings.
1. That human well-being is the core good which defines the others
2. Human well-being is to be favored over the well-being of other organisms, or even ecosystems.
3. Human well-being is the true measure of good, as opposed to the adherence to a code of religiously-based precepts.

I have delineated those above so that I could better address them.

First, I do believe that both one and two are correct, insofar as I would typically favor the needs of a human being over the needs of another organism. I am leery of this position, however, in that we should be somewhat suspicious of our beliefs, methods and motives anytime we find ourselves to be too conveniently served by the outcome.

Secondly, it is in the nature of humans, and of the world, that many if not most actions taken seem to contain within themselves the seed of their own eventual reversal, so it is that if human well-being is favored over that of ecosystems, or large numbers of organisms, soon human well-being itself is threatened by the direct results of the very actions that were taken in favor of this same human well-being.

As such, though I do, in every way except the practical, agree that human needs should be prioritized over those of other species, at a practical level this could be disastrous, as the human need to consume and reproduce in order to experience a sense of well-being may result in an overall degradation of the very systems upon which humans are dependent for their sense of well-being.

As regards number three, I fear that human well-being, difficult though it may be, is so many orders of magnitude easier to either achieve or quantify than it would be to judge between the possibly contradictory demands of competing supernatural beings, that I am afraid religiously-based precepts can only be justifiably adhered to on any level wider than that of the private individual insofar as these precepts serve to promote human well-being.

Thus, I can only be said to favor humanism insomuch as it identifies itself as secular, and maintains a forward-looking, anticipatory view toward possibly counter-productive results of the human-favoring stances it adopts.

Finally Freedom is valuable in that it allows each of us to determine for ourselves what will most serve to promote human happiness and alleviate misery, which operates on the assumption that an aggregate of individuals will better (ie, more accurately and more effectively) give voice to their collective concerns than any point of perception or vocalization emerging from or based in a singular entity.

Opportunity cost

Dear heavens, I feel as though my throat, lungs and chest have been passed over with a cheese grater. I’m used to short, intense bursts of energy, but 30 damn minutes at about 10mph just friggin slaughtered me. I’m not sure if that is a good pace, or a wimpy pace, but it was pretty much a killer pace for me, and that’s all I really need to know.

But enough about that – right now I got a gajillion other things on my mind. Primarily: This girlfriend I have is sweet, super intelligent, really a quality person . . . but I am starting to realize that . . . it just isn’t going to last. Which should come as no surprise, really, since every relationship anyone has ever been in has ended in either a break-up or a death, and if I have to choose between the two, break-ups are much easier to explain to mutual friends. What I don’t understand is why I seem to go into every relationship thinking that this one will be “the one” in which we magically sail off into the sunset. Somehow it always catches me by surprise when I find that this girl is, in fact, not the fucking complete package – the perfect- in-every-way woman. You would think I would have learned by now that every relationship is certainly going to be flawed, (I mean, hell, I’m involved in it, so it’s bound to be fucked-up to some degree,) is going to require some work, and most likely will be, to a greater or lesser degree, temporary.

I’m ready to do the work – I know we will fight and have difficulties, but I guess I am not yet prepared to accept that every girl is most likely just a temporary stop along the way, and I cannot figure out if that is a good thing or a bad thing. It seems as though it would be taking my cynicism to new heights to just acknowledge to myself at the outset that this girl is probably just a temporary harbor from the storm, (no need to continue with the “docking” metaphor, is there?) and sooner or later I’ll be moving on. In a way I appreciate the naivete with which I approach the relationships, and the fact that I am actually looking at them for long-term potential, but maybe I am just being dishonest with myself.

On the upside, as a result of my approaching it with an eye to the long-term, I really do fall for these chicks – but perhaps that is part of the problem. Perhaps by going in “hoping for the best” I allow the swirl of emotions to cloud my judgement, and thus am taken by surprise when deal-breakers pop up. I also have to wonder to what extent I actually allow myself to fall for them because the “swirl of emotions” in me tends to have a positive effect on them – so maybe in the end it is just all cynical manipulation on my part anyway.

The previous girlfriend had a lot going for her – she was extremely sweet and caring, and very, very attached, and AMAN TANRIM did this girl get turned on when you took out a camera. Tall, good looking, amazing body (did ballet for 16 years, till she got too tall) – an ass I could stare at all day – and did, in fact. She had gorgeous silky long black hair, lived in high-heels and was always perfectly turned out: weekly manicures, waxes, whatevers, the whole 9 yards. And then she asked me if India was close to Brazil. And slowly, what emerged was the fact that her grasp of economics, philosophy, art, biology, fuck- you-name-it, if it wasn’t within her very circumscribed experience, it was a bleeding mystery to her. In fashion, style, femininity, and social charm, however, she had a fucking black-belt.

I am not sure, even at this remove, if I am being fair to her. I mean – to what degree am I cognizant of the ins and outs of office politics in the magazine publishing division of Turkish media conglomerates? Hell, to what degree am I cognizant of ANYTHING of practical value? Not much, I suppose, if we want to be honest. I guess my very circumscribed experience just happens to include an ass-load of books and articles on world politics, literature, art and history, and I (for no doubt unjustifiably self-centered reasons,) tend to favor my set of knowledge over hers. Cultural imperialism? Mebbe. Classism? Mebbe. Inevitable? ‘Fraid so.

There was, in fact, one other problematic detail – she had a disturbing habit of tracking my eyes, and making sure to register every other woman I looked at. This by itself is nothing really, but if you have ever been in a relationship with a jealous person, you start to see the signs early. And it was not long before she started asking odd questions, and poking about in a jealous manner.

So she was served notice some time ago that . . . well . . . I put it as kindly as I could . . . that I was not really in love with her. But she kept coming around, (even the most repugnant boys are difficult for a girl to get over once they have fallen for them, and I am not the most repugnant,) until I told her I had met someone new.

And had I ever. We met at a book club (auspicious beginning, yes?) and she worked for a group who advised governments on ways to promote transparency in public policy. She had done a year at Harvard, and was in the dissertation stage of getting her Ph.D from one of the more prestigious schools in Turkey. So whereas the previous girlfriend didn’t know who Khaddafi was, or Mubarak, or how long he had been in power or whether or not he was generally viewed as irredeemably corrupt, or . . . nevermind . . . the new young lady could tell you offhand the number of gas pipelines coming out of Russia into Europe, and how the proposed new pipelines could affect former soviet-bloc countries. So whereas the last young lady had spent business dinners on the phone with me so that visiting foreigners wouldn’t figure out how little English she spoke, the new young lady travelled to Tanzania, Ukraine, India, Thailand, the Czech Republic, etc, to give speeches on development. Let’s just say the difference in conversations we could have were notable.

Yet – what is lacking? Oh, dear – I have to confess – I’m afraid animal vibes are what’s missing now. When I smell her neck . . . I am simply not overcome with a desire to fuck her. There’s nothing wrong with her physically – she’s quite fit – used to be a swimmer – nice ass – fucks with conviction – but . . . we just don’t have animal chemistry. I’d rather cuddle and watch a movie than fuck. And what am I to do about that? I mean – for the first time in my life, I am wishing we had just stayed friends, because now I have to break up with someone who I really, really like talking to.

I determined a couple of years ago that if I got married again, I wanted one who was drop-dead gorgeous, as well as intellectually interesting. (Go ahead, snort in your coffee, and say “well, don’t we all.” Fuck you – you aren’t me, bitch. Sit back and watch. But I digress.) So I decided there were two directions one could take to arrive at this end: 1. Start photographing models, and sort your way through to the smart ones, and shop one of those. 2. Start chatting your way through the academics until you hit a hottie, and take her home.

As a result, I spent a week or so last year in Ukraine, photographing models, (this one goes under the name Alissa White – don’t look her up on google images with a low filter setting if you got excitable young males in the room,) and I joined a book club. So far, things aren’t working out too badly – but it looks like it’s time to pick up the camera again.

i thank you God for most this amazing.

I refuse demands for capitulation – I demand a celebration. Today is my birthday – today is the birth day of light, and of love and wings, and of the gay great happening illimitably earth.

It is – it actually is – my birthday. I have never been one for celebrating such things – but the older I get, and the less people I have around me who care, the more special it comes to seem. I have long scoffed at the silly emphasis people put on making a day special, but am slowly coming to realize that making a day “special” is just a way of staunching the boredom that flows in and out and permeates our daily existence placing a small marker tabbed upon one day that says our time here and ourselves are something more than an accumulation of ordinary days which began in squalling mucus and ends in a hoarse rattle of same.

I made today special by first, praying this morning. I know – sounds weird – but here is the realization I am coming to: As much as my brain, which cries out at the utter improbability, and lack of evidence for a deity, my soul needs NOT a deity to beg of, or to prevent a descent into darkness final at the end of my days – for an end to be an end is ok with me – but my soul needs someone to whom I can grateful.
It may sound strange to say it – but it is the realization I have been coming to. The reason I need a woman in my life pretty much almost all the time, (aside from for fucking, for company, for conversation, for attention,) is that I want someone to whom I can be nice – someone I can compliment – someone I can show attention to, and make smile. That is one of the main motivations, needs, I have, which cause me to seek out women. Similarly – my need for a deity is motivated largely by an excess of gratitude, of thanks for the sheer splendor of my life, which I cannot discharge in any direction absent a being who oversees all things. It’s a bit of a conundrum, I know.

I find that most of my interactions and conversations with God consist of my simply saying thank you, expressing how grateful I am that despite the idiocy that has characterized my life, I feel so richly surrounded by a wealth of good things. I know it could be simple chance – a roll of the chromosomal dice, a choice to walk here, a chance twist of the steering wheel there – it could be just an accumulation of chances that has resulted in my being so damn fortunate – but if so, I should not feel grateful – I should only feel lucky. And if I am only lucky, I need feel only relief – that I dodged a disaster, that I came out unscathed, that I owe no one for the fortunate spin of the wheel.

Yet I feel distinctly grateful – blessed. The fact that I am surrounded by others who may be equally fortunate does absolutely nothing to dilute my specific sense of joy. My mind teeters on the edge of explosm when I contemplate how uncommon is my particular lot – my life’s individual blend of pungent proclivities and aromatic assholery. To have the ability and option to travel, to see, to read, to write, to work or waste, to meet, to contemplate and converse, to dive, to drink, to fight, fuck and fidget. (You knew the alliteration would catch up with me eventually, didn’t you?)

But seriously – in a world where so much can go wrong – and in which “getting it right” is so ridiculously difficult – I feel as though I have, against all probabilities, especially given my wastrel and lackadaisical nature, ass-ended so far up Maslow’s hierarchy that I find myself nearly constantly nuzzling the nether-regions of self-actualization – something that I feel so many others who have worked so much harder and more conscientiously than myself have conspicuously failed to do.
So I began this morning by praying – by thanking God for yet another day – for yet another year – and for the utterly unimaginable good fortune of my life. I packed the lovely lunch a lovely lady had packed for me from the leftovers of the delightful dinner that she had fixed me last night in (unbeknownst to me) recognition of my impending birthday. (Apparently she had had some difficulty in deciphering which date was actually my birthday, as I habitually enter false ones on forms and websites.) Then I treated myself to a morning workout in the gym, doing only the exercises that I wanted to do. And now, writing this, I sit in a comfortable chair, in a warm office, drinking coffee and milk.

It is a world away from the sensations I recall when covering my face with a balaclava as I ascended a ladder anchored in snow, to hold a board of siding to nail it to a garage – or struggled to apply sufficient force to a freezing-cold iron crowbar, ripping free the wood from the nails that still stuck in the concrete around the forms, as the snowflakes swirled around my nose and eyes and the cold pain in my fingers became more insistent. I remember the misery of financial insecurity – of cold early mornings packing a pail of unappetizing food before exiting the house to face a day of drudgery and boredom – leaving the house in the dark, I would return again after dark, to eat alone what I had the energy to prepare.

I thank God for the health and wealth – the amazing richness of texture and flavor in my life today. I joy in every moment – I am grateful now even for the times of loneliness, pain, cold and hurt, for it helps me now to know what grand good fortune I have, and makes me feel that every step of my life has been shadowed by kindness.

The Weekly Beat-Down

I have been going to the Krav Maga gym for over two years now, and have been teaching the Friday evening class for maybe 6 months. At first I had two students who came on Fridays – then three, then two, then four, then ten, then six and last night we had such a damn full-house that I was actually hoping more people wouldn’t come through the door.

We have developed a very good rapport in the group – there are a core of guys (and girls,) who for the most part really like to throw down, don’t mind a cut lip or bloody nose, and are really, truly interested in improving their fightgame techniques and improving their cardio and strengthening and toughening their bodies.

It is really a joy to watch people transform as the weeks go by. They come in very quiet, and cautious and shy. They sit to the side and don’t do anything until instructed to do so. Depending on their previous athletic experience, their movements are often awkward, to put it kindly. They don’t know the length of their own arm or leg, nor how to unwind it to maximize force at the end. They get gassed out, and have to take little breaks during the cardio session. After a couple of weeks their movements are a little bit better, their cardio has improved immensely, sometimes they have dropped some weight and toned up a bit, (in one case, 15 kilos lost in a couple of months– no joke – but that chick was a bit of a porker to begin with.) And even more critically, they lose some of that shyness that kept them glued to the wall before, and start milling around before class begins, and it is here that you can really learn something vital about them.

What people do when there is no instructor guiding them is, to me, a primary indicator of what they have come for. If you look around before class begins, you will see one or two people jumping rope, one person on the double-end bag, a couple people doing calisthentics, about 3 people talking, and 2 or 3 people working on the heavy bags. Every few minutes most of the individuals will probably get tired, and need to take a break from that body part, and so will walk away from their spot, and almost immediately gravitate toward another activity, while someone else will take their place. Almost everybody, that is. Because there is always a small core of people who don’t need to change their activity, because talking about things just never tires them out.

I don’t begrudge these chatters their chat. I really don’t. I do understand that there might be some totally excellent gossip to exchange, or maybe your wrist is hurt today, or maybe you just wanna chitter-chat. That’s cool – I think it does reflect slightly on why you are here – I mean – you are surrounded by toys and tools to help you improve, and you sit there doing what you could do at any tea shop, and probably do all day, but whatever. I do eventually have to conclude, though, that the social aspect is one of the larger factors in why you choose to come here.

And that, too, is totally cool. Frankly, it’s part of the reason I come as well. In fact, other than saying hello to colleagues in passing, and seeing the girliefriend about two nights a week, the gym is about my ONLY social interaction. So I can dig that you might come to hang and see people. I totally get that – but that doesn’t mean you need to hang around me.

More specifically – when I am working on the heavy bags, or the double-end bag, or jumping rope, or whatever, don’t come up and start talking to me. A. Because you are interrupting what I am doing, and B. because you are implicitly devaluing the activity I am doing, by indicating what you have to say is more important. Or, if you do, (and I’ll be nice and stop and chat, and then if you don’t actually have something pertinent to deal with, I will go back to working,) then PLEASE don’t continue to fucking hover in my peripheral vision making random comments trying to get a goddam conversation going with me. And when I eventually get tired of you standing 2 meters away staring at me, waiting for me to speak to you, and I move across the room to another place, DON’T FUCKING FOLLOW ME. Repeat after me: “I am not a damn kitten, looking to bond with a maternal figure. I am a full grown adult male, who needs to direct his fucking emotional needs toward somebody else.” And for fuck’s sake don’t follow me into the dressing room – it’s creepy and I am still going to ignore you, and I’m only there to pull something out of my bag – I promise I’m not going to do anything even slightly interesting, so please fuck off already and stop being clingy.

Right now I have four students who are often on my mind, in part because all of them prefer to train with me as their partner, and have expressed this.

In no particular order, let’s begin with my favorite, who we’ll call Snowflake – because that’s what her name means, and that’s the tattoo on the inside of her forearm. (For those of you far away, let me just say that for some reason here in Istanbul, it is not at all unusual or low-class anymore for young ladies to have tattoos on their wrists and forearms.) Snowflake started with me as her teacher – and she immediately outshone the tall, awkward boy who started at the same time. Her talent lies largely in her ability to take a movement apart into smaller parts, and then work on repeating that sequence again and again until she can execute it well. But her true gift comes from inside. Some people, the first time they hit somebody, immediately cringe and collapse and apologize all over themselves. And others, the first time they land a good hit on somebody, light up inside like the fourth of July. And boy, can you see it on Snowflake’s face. When she lands a good hit, she literally dances a bit to let a wee bit of the excess joy wiggle out. When she learns how to throw a much bigger person to the ground, she cannot stop grinning to save her life. Couple those things with the willingness to practice, practice, practice, before and after class, and she really is turning into a little monster. In fact, she busted Artie’s nose last week. I was very proud of her.

Artie, on the other hand, is a doe-eyed caricature of a sensitive soul. His head is too large for his body, his soft, kind eyes too large for his head, his nose dwarfs even his eyes, and his limbs too skinny to support any of it. His movements have some resemblance to what I imagine giraffes fucking would look like. He has been coming for more than a year, and frankly, you wouldn’t know it. Which is, actually, what has made all the difference for him. About 3 weeks ago a girl who had been coming for a long time, but had never coincided with Artie (his attendance is quite on-again off-again,) made some comment about how he needn’t despair, he was, after all, a newbie. Artie, in his soft-eyed, gangly and jelly-limbed way, took deep offense to this. He came to me after class in deep depression, and asked what he could do. I told him a number of things, and next class, his roundhouse kicks were suddenly fucking crisp, nice, beautiful to behold. (I actually had the whole class stop and watch his roundhouse kick.) His guard had improved immensely, too. His punches were cleaner and crisper. He’s still no ninja, but 6 more months of what he’s been doing for that past three weeks, and he could be. It appears that he has started to really open his mind to focus on what he is doing, and to learn his own body, and has begun practicing at home on his own. The results are really, really encouraging, and I hope he knows that, because I sure do.

Corrie, on the other hand, is on my mind for all the wrong reasons. He friended me on facebook, and instant messages me nearly every day, with questions about whether I plan to attend that night or not. Then he almost always says “let’s be partners tonight – I want to train with you,” which would be fine, really, except that it happens so often it’s a bit irksome. That, and it was most recently (last night,) phrased as “I’ll have you.” Then during weekends he will call me, or message me to see if I want to hang out – which I wouldn’t mind, except that he spends a so much time complaining about his wife, and running her down, that I basically end up trying to change the subject all the time, which I am not all that good at, so it doesn’t work, so I fall back on just not giving him any encouragement, which basically boils down, in practical terms, to him whining and whining, and me occasionally making remarks about the economy, or the weather, or China’s odd stance on Zimbabwe. So I basically stopped answering the phone when he calls, which has led him to make remarks about feeling “dumped,” and his “ass left out in the cold.” Recently he stayed late, after everyone had left, and then stripped off and came out in his towel to talk to me while I was working out a combination, saying “Ooooh, don’t hit the naked guy! Oooh!” These, along with a constant theme of comments about “fucked in the ass,” “the soggy-biscuit game” make me wonder exactly how repressed he is. I mean – I don’t think a legit gay guy would always be talking about gay shit and making gay jokes, but the amount of social, (and physical) contact he wants with me is . . . oddness inducing. And recently he has taken to asking me after class if I want to wrestle – which I wouldn’t mind, except A. You suck at it, and don’t even seem to be trying, and B. You’re weirding the fuck out of me already, go away.

And finally, is Alp. Alp is probably 20 or 22 or so, and probably clocks in at about 6’3’’ and 200 pounds without an ounce of fat on him. (He likes to pause in front of the mirror and check his “baclavas” – the word here for his six-pack.) Really, the kid is a physical phenom. He’s big, strong, and fast as shit. Did I mention strong? And fast as shit? Well, when he first came he was . . . a bit unccoordinated, or just hadn’t really put together yet how to move, how to cover, how to throw. But fortunately for him, he likes to go hard, (I still have a lump on my bone in my forearm from practicing some months ago with him, and was out for a week with a bum knee after he kicked it,) and he doesn’t let his ego get in the way of learning. He hates losing, yet every time he loses, he dialogues with the winner to get advice and tips, and goes to practicing it, and comes back better. And yes – I’m the winner we’re talking about. Other people don’t want to fight with him because – well, did I mention he’s big, ripped, fast as shit, and his technique is getting better and better every damn day? So I fight with him – and he doesn’t know the meaning of sparring, apparently, because we just end up going for the damn knockout. I don’t really want that, but there is a natural escalation in sparring, and when the other guy is literally trying to take your head off, you tend to up your speed and power as well.

It used to be that I won, handily, every match with him. Those days though, are past. A few weeks ago he knocked me out, (momentarily,) and I realized that I was no longer playing with the same kid. He’d learned how to fake with the left, while I had been not training as much as I needed to, and he had been training his ass off, and it showed. So I upped my game over the following week, and held my own again, (but barely.) This week we squared off again, and I won, but I am not sure how convincingly. And so the trend says, and I think that, next week I can put a few things into play that will give me the win – but the lad is constant reminder that youth is no longer on my side – I am NOT the unquestioned best. I am so used to being physically stronger and/or faster and/or smarter and/or tougher than most people (minus professional tough-guys, I hasten to point out,) that it is slightly discomfitting to find that the next generation is indeed crawling up the ladder, and as surely as night follows day, is sure to overtake you someday.

So this morning, when I wake up, and I feel my back muscles slightly sore, my ankles slightly loose, my hips aching, and the cut inside my lip stinging it reminds me that last night was spent in what is coming to be my favorite place – the gym.

Oh Vodka – thou art so kind to me!
Why do I spurn thy embrace
For that of Whiskey?